I do.....???

Age has its many advantages. Take my case for example, almost thirty and yet unmarried, but with a huge storehouse of information on the institution that is marriage. It’s one of the many perks of having almost every one of your near and dear friends married. It’s a privilege to have seen many of those relationships go from being “just friends” and in some cases, strangers, to becoming life partners….and each one unique. Some cases where relationships have just grown stronger and stronger over the years, and some where time and circumstances tore people apart. Considering all this information I have, one would think I should’ve figured out this whole marriage thing after all. Well, I sure as hell tried.

Our movies do a great job of drilling in this notion that when the right person comes along….you just know it. You get this gut feeling…that it’s meant to be. It’s a lovely thought and I’ve seen it happen too. Not the love at first sight kinda thing of course. But two people who are with each other and just somehow know that they want that person in their life forever. This calm certainty, without ever having to analyze or think about it. God I wish I had gut feelings like that. With me, well, knowledge or insight has always been hard earned. Marriage always has and still does, to some extent, freak me out, though my concerns have changed over the years. I went from worrying over whether the other person was right for me, whether he really loved me to wondering whether I was right for him; whether I could be trusted to fulfil on a lifetime commitment to someone. I’ve lived enough by now to know that saying you love someone at one point doesn’t just ensure that those feelings last the rest of your life. It takes real effort, each and every day, to keep that alive. Sounds boring, sounds tough….not at all romantic. Well then, it must be the truth.

I watched this movie as a kid…it was, and still is, one of my favourites. The Runaway Bride. A story of this girl who keeps running away from her own weddings; panicking at the very last moment in the face of this lifetime commitment. Until…she gazes into the soulful eyes of Richard Gere, someone who knows the real her, when she herself doesn’t.  And she just knows, that he’s the one for her. Well, I made the movie sound horrible…well done Namu!!! Don’t get me wrong, it really is a wonderful movie. And yes, I don’t blame the heroine…..those soulful eyes really are irresistible. But what I loved about her, is this desire to be the ideal woman for the person she is with, to the point that she lost herself in the process. Comical though it may seem, it’s something I myself have felt. 

Nobody ever asked me to change or criticized my choices or appearance. I have been lucky that way. But tragedy is…they never had to. The voice in my head was doing that for me already. And is it really so wrong to do whatever it takes to make the person you care about happy? Well I tried, and I failed….multiple times. And dreadful though it was, it forced me into a situation I had always feared…being alone. There’s nothing I hate more in the world. And as promised, it was a horrible time in my life and I am really really glad that I had to go through it. It taught me a lot of things and I am truly grateful. When left to my own devices, I had no option but to figure out what I wanted for myself, by myself…without having anybody to approve or disapprove of the choices I made. I hated it…but it was liberating nonetheless! It takes a certain kind of confidence and comfort level with who you are to be willing to try new things and change. Being alone didn’t get me set into a rigid definition of me…just gave me the confidence that every change I make is my choice and not a sign of being lost or scared. I don’t think I could’ve built a happy relationship without that realization. I’m still very much a work in progress…I guess everyone is, in one way or another. 

There’s a line in that movie…a proposal but without the usual hearts and flowers. This unusual declaration that their marriage will have its tough times, with one or both left wondering sometimes whether they should bail. And yet, you know in your heart that you would be missing out on something if you didn’t ask that person to spend their life with you. Okay okay…it sounds much better when Richard Gere says it. Hell he could propose in Russian and still make it sound romantic. But that’s really all the certainty, all the guarantee you’ll ever have….what you feel for that person at that very moment and the willingness to try and build a happy life together. All the rest you kinda just take as it comes.  It’s so much more peaceful this way….knowing that there are no set right answers out there, no guarantees either. Suddenly, marriage  doesn’t seem that scary anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true. But it’s a good kinda scary….like the butterflies in your stomach when your nervous. Like a big adventure…with some guaranteed good company even though you’re not quite sure where the road leads. And if you do enough things right, the adventure can last a lifetime. If not, it’ll still be one helluva experience.

So then,do I really wanna go down that road?? I think…. I do!!! :)

In Google we trust

I have always been well known for my sense of direction....rather the lack thereof. Despite having lived in a couple of cities for more than 5 years, I still have no idea of their shape, which part lies north/south relative to the city center etc etc. The only way I have ever learnt how to go from place A to B is by making the journey on my own....generally on my two wheeler ( while I was in India that is...sigh). I'd get to know a route and stick to it like fevicol....never ever exploring places I didn't know and didn't absolutely have to go to. I can boast that I almost never get lost....but it comes at the cost of almost never having explored a  new place just for the heck of it.

Its not the greatest way to be, now that I'm in a new country sans my two wheeler and not many people to show me around. Whether it be for business or pleasure, necessity has me walking the length of the city alone, trying to find my destination. In all this, I've discovered a new best friend..... Introducing google maps!!!

Now I know, this is hardly a new concept... Using maps to get across a city. I've used it plenty of times even in India. But the true power of this app really comes through here. Right from the bus timings, alternative routes, and the directions for walking. I can plan my trip from my doorstep to the destination with absolute certainty. Every building, every subway mapped out in the finest detail so I know exactly where I am!!

Today was one of my first forays to Boston. On my own, to a city I've never been to, to see a show I dont know anybody at, with hours to spend and no clue what Boston has to offer!! Ordinarily, that would've been reason enough for me to put off going! But thanks to my new best friend, I managed to spend a very pleasant 5hours in the city with an air of confidence the whole time. Its allowed me to redefine my limits....knowing that I need not depend on anyone else to help me discover a new place. Of course, there is no denying that having company would be awesome. But not having company isn't the end of the world either. Its brought a nice sense of peace to my solitude....because I know I'm no longer trapped by it. So I guess I owe thanks to google for giving me another best friend.....ME!!! :)

While I'm in between....

Well the title is inspired from this age old Britney song (oh yes...I used to be a fan once upon a time!). A time when innocence was still in style and we had Britney singing about how she's not a girl but not yet a woman...somewhere "in between". Now obviously, considering my age, I cannot claim anything of that sort! But over the past few weeks, this feeling of being "in between" two phases, two places, two MEs has kinda been predominat. It's to be expected in a way. A move to a new country, a new job is always going to be a big change and adapting to it is but natural. Although, for me this move has meant something more.

I've been lucky to lead quite a sheltered life till now. Sure, there have been plenty of ups and downs, successes and failures too. But all this while, I've been comfortable in the knowledge of being close to home. Knowing my family and closest friends were always close at hand...whenever I needed them or they needed me. Even when I moved away to a different city (only an overnight journey away from home mind you), I was lucky enough to find friends that became like family. So much so, that it became my second home of sorts. It's a phase I absolutely loved...yet a phase that had to end some day!

Don't get me wrong, I have been looking forward to this move for a very long time. Even when I didn't know why, I knew I wanted to live in the US for some time. Maybe its cause of the way decades of watching english movies has "programmed" me or else the rosy picture of life here that the fb pics of countless friends have painted or maybe just the thrill of being in a foreign country and seeing new things, experiencing a culture. I just knew I wanted that experience come what may and I'm really happy I got a chance to fulfill that dream.

But this move has brought with it a lot of things that I have successfully avoided till date!! The foremost being.... cooking!!!Despite living in a hostel for 5.5yrs I was lucky to have a decent enough mess that I never even had to make a cup of tea for myself, let alone a meal! Sure, there were plenty of girls who had a proper kitchen going in the hostel room. But the magic combination of decent south indian food in mess, good restaurants nearby and my  massive laziness ensured that I never had a single plate and bowl in my room!! Now of course, I live in a new country, with limited vegetarian options and no mess at my disposal...so cook I must!

It's been a fun ride "experimenting" in the kitchen....biting my nails while using the cooker for the first time, wondering if it would work right or whether i'd end up blowing the roof off! The first chapati....which was surprisingly edible, though oddly triangular in shape. The first omlette i flipped without breaking and of course my first sheera at home. Cooking gives you a surprisingly and slightly disconcerting amount of clarity on the exact amount of oil, sugar etc in the food you've made. Makes it much harder to convince yourself you're eating healthy! But hey I continue to hold on tightly to the notion that no matter what, home food is better than outside food.

It's at times like this though, that I miss not having anyone here to share the experiences with. My colleagues here, though extremely sweet and welcoming, don't really get my frustrations or triumphs with chapatis. There's no one around to taste and compliment what I've cooked (well if not the taste then atleast the effort that went into it). Plus all the countless calls back and forth getting mom's recipes makes me wish I'd done this long ago and been the one to cook for her for a change. Makes me really look forward to the time I'll have my family visit. Won't that feel all grown up....my family in my new home with me taking care of them!! Sounds like a lot of work....man being grown up is tough!!! But it really does sound pretty wonderful right now. So yeah, even though I haven't been  a "girl" for a very very long time....I think i'm finally getting the hang of being a grown woman. Honestly....it's about time!!! :)

To be or not to be

I don't think I'd ever have thought of taking a trip like this if left to my own devices. For some reason my eye has always turned inward more easily rather than looking out towards the world. There's a lot out there to see...people, places, behavior...nature in all it's glory. Try as I may though, looking out still doesnt cone easy.

It's like I took a vow to go through life as unnoticed and safe as possible. I can survive /get through uncertainty but I can't yet seem to enjoy it!! A train journey all by myself and I take the first chance I get to escape into the cocoon of the upper berth! Land in a strange new place and I will rather sit inside the ladies waiting room than explore!!! Sometimes even at home I find myself escaping into a book rather than talk/fight/ have fun with my family. I know in my head that I should treasure these times while I have them. Tomorrow I'll move to a new country and these times, this company is what I'll miss the most, even though I'll have all the time I want to read my books! Hell if I continue like this , fat chance I'll ever make new friends and have new adventures there.
Looks like this so called "social" girl has been an introvert in disguise all along. Or maybe I'm a little bit of both. Maybe if I just accept and revel in it, I won't feel trapped anymore. I can be social when I want and retire to my cosy books when I want. Kinda like Jekyl and Hyde, minus all the depressing and sociopathic tendencies obviously!! :P

Slipping through my fingers

Artists, writers, composers all talk of this weird feeling that comes over them, a spark out of nowhere that triggers their creativity. A word said by a stranger on the road, a fleeting thought or memory that can trigger a new composition, a new creation. A feeling so overwhelming, it compels to sit down and capture it that very moment threatening to disappear into forever unless you do so. Well I won't call myself an artist or a writer....stupid Devang Patel style lyrics to songs doesn;t really qualify me as one (though I am beginning to think of him as s kindred spirit!!!). Nonethess, there are times when I can string together a poem or two for people that mean a lot to me. It is especially useful as a birthday gift to the people in question, seeing how I am horrible at figuring out what gifts people would like! These poems, most of the times, are deliberate compositions. But yesterday I had a moment, when words just came to me from nowhere, triggered no doubt by a coming occassion, but unintentional nonetheless!! It was one of those times, when things were pretty effortless, words and ideas just coming to me rather than the usual struggle to fit thoughts into a rhyme scheme!! And though I say so myself, I loved it as I was coming up with it!! But alas, such things dont really think of an appropriate time when they knock on the door. It came to me when I was leaving for lunch, leaving me without access to my laptop to pen things down. I'd finished it by the time I was halfway through my meal and when I got back, it had slipped clear through my head (early onset Alzheimers' I tell you!!). Then at midnight yesterday, while trying to sleep, I remembered it again. I knew the ideas that I'd wanted to convey through the poem, but the words just didn't feel the same. It felt like a mediocre version of the one I'd composed in the afternoon. Don't worry, I haven't given up yet...but I felt like I'd lost something really good and that makes me sad!!! Anyway, lesson learnt I guess.....unbelievable though it may seem, some things are indeed more important than food!! :P

Silver linings

Ok…so it hasn’t been a good year! Contrary to whatever my facebook account or my “status” might pronounce, it hasn’t felt like a good year. It has had its highs, things that I discovered about myself, limits that I have pushed which I didn’t think I had it in me to overcome. Despite all of that, the way it looks like to me right now, it hasn’t been a good year.  That’s the weird thing about life right, it’s the bad things, things that get you down which leave an indelible mark on your memory, coming back to make you cringe and flinch when you are at your most vulnerable. In contrast, the best and happiest moments of your life are a struggle to hold on to, so fleeting and ethereal that you can’t really relive that experience try as you may. 

I’ve spent a greater part of this year, trying to take the sting off of many such negative memories and incidents in my life. To my credit, I’ve made enough progress to now know that these memories have power over me only because I choose to give it to them. They’ve lost their unchanging, doomsday quality, or atleast when I think logically I know they don’t have it. But it can get tiresome to keep reminding yourself that. Keeping them at bay can take a lot out of you and its no wonder then that the barrier gets weak and cracked once in a while. Finding myself at a crossroads in life right now, really makes the time ripe for all such time and energy consuming, but pretty often, pointless introspection. Its hard to live 30 years of your life and then have to confront the idea that you might have chosen a path that you never really liked or rather you only thought you liked because you were good at it. Being good at something and being passionate about something are two very different things and its scary as hell to realize that at 30 (almost 30) you are at best an amateur at what you think is your true passion. It might well happen that you might choose to pursue it and fail miserably! For someone who has always been good at studies and the like, dealing constructively with failure is something I have no practice with whatsoever. A fact that I have recently realized given the way my PhD has been going. Sometimes you get so busy keeping your options open and ensuring that there’s always a Plan B, that you lose sight of the fact that you never really did justice to Plan A in the first place. Backup plans become choices and before you know it, you get set on a comfortable and safe path. It’s a very well-disguised rut, a pattern that I am finding difficult to break out of. 

If I think about it a bit, I know that I am really fortunate in my circumstances. I have no real responsibilities, no one who is dependent on me, whose life gets affected by the choices I make. In fact, I am super lucky to have a superbly supportive family and friends who all are ready to even fight against me to ensure that I do what makes me happy. My head knows all these things, is grateful for all of these things. And yet, it does get difficult sometimes. I find myself going about my days a bit robotically, watching movies and serials to get my dose of that happy feeling. It’s not really apparent, no one outside my innermost circle would know of any of this internal struggle, but it’s there nonetheless. I know I’ll get out of it, but right now I have no idea of when or how that’s gonna happen. 

In the middle of all of this “introspection”, I was zapped out of my reverie the other day by a greeting on the road by someone I just knew by face. Despite the bad mood, I found myself automatically responding to that greeting with a smile on my face, a genuine smile. It wasn’t until after, that I fully appreciated what happened. I’ve been reading a lot of articles and hearing from people I know, their accounts of dealing depression, bipolar and other disorders. How difficult it can be for them to even have the will to get out of bed and sometimes at its very worst, what a struggle it can be just to keep from harming yourself bodily. Bad times and depression are something everyone encounters at particular stages in their life, there’s no getting around it. But being able to find it in you to smile, no matter what, is truly a blessing that I never fully appreciated.  It’s not something I can take credit for, its not a carefully cultivated habit or anything like that. It is just my default setting, something that I’ll always be able to do and for that reason, I am truly lucky. No matter what happens in the future, I know that as long as I can hold on to that smile, I’ll always make it through. And who knows, maybe our smile is just what that stranger on that road might need to get them through their day. So for all of you, who have this ability to smile, be grateful for it, cherish it and please share it wholeheartedly…..there is no gift more priceless!

Losing yourself

Its been a tough week…a tough month….a tough year! So many changes, so many challenges, so many sincere attempts and oh so many failures. Don’t get me wrong….i didn’t write this to crib. I’ve had my fair share or more than that of good times. I found something precious I lost a few years back….fixed something in me that was broken for a long time and I couldn’t be more grateful. But I made a commitment 5 years ago, that I had told myself I need to honor. If not for anything else, then to prove that I don’t give up…..not without a fight anyhow. But there were many times I caught myself wishing so hard that I could just fast forward by 6 months and have it over with, this deadline that has felt like a ticking timebomb in my head. “I’ve been working hard haven’t I??” I’d say….. “hard as I possibly can. Why isn’t that enough?!! Why cant the world think well of me because I tried….why should I have to succeed and look good?!!” Not that any of that was imposed on me….it was baggage I had chosen, subconsciously though it may have been and I have been carrying it around for what seems like forever. Well its almost the end…..a big battle has gone by….I survived to tell the tale….and I stand here on the other side….wishing I could get a time out. But unfortunately there is no such concept in the real world!!! And so i trudge on….with all the grace of a war hero called back from a well-deserved vacation!! As you can probably tell from the mood…….it hasn’t been a very good day. Despite the recent success….I have felt today, so acutely, the pull of strings forcing me in different directions all at once. What I want to do, what I need to do, what the people I care for want me to do and so on. Felt like my head would split with all the noise inside….like these next few months would never end. I had a break all planned out and I didn’t know if i’d be able to enjoy it as I hoped. I didn’t know if i’d be able to shut off the voices in my head. And then I got what I was looking for…..oblivion….losing myself into the darkness of a cinema hall…plunged into the lives and hearts of two of the most beautiful characters I have seen in a long time! Laughed louder than I have in a long time…. cried like my heart would break, cant remember the last time that happened….and came out with the sense of privilege for having known two such wonderful people. Sahana pointed out to me, how i had felt for that story as much as I felt for real life….and I agree wholeheartedly. Its my special quality, weird idiosyncrasy…whichever way you’d like to see it. I can bawl my eyes out in a hall filled with strangers but find in difficult to cry when life is so hard, even with some of my closest friends. And despite all my limitations and weaknesses….I hope I never lose this…this sense of losing oneself in a story…of feeling and experiencing it in a way that makes it real…..so much so that your world and everything in it ceases to exist for that time….and the journey back to reality where u feel like u have lived and learned so much in such a short time! It’s a gift and I will cherish it all my life!