Memories!

I was trying to sleep the other night (before midnight for a change) when i randomly started a walk down memory lane....trying to spot some of the most vivid memories i have of my life till date. Thought i'd give you a glimpse of the same

1) Mom: i don't think there's ever beena time growing up that i wasn't amazingly attached to her. I remember crying at nights when i couldn't sleep with her when i was a little kid. Missing her like hell when i used to go down to my grandparents' house for a vacation and counting the days to when she'd come and take me back home.

2) Dad: I've loved being his little pet as a kid. I could never forget the way he's stand at the door of a lift pretending to magically open the door or waiting at the doors of a movie theatre wanting to be the first to get in. I was always the connecting bridge between him and mom n sis....even if we all went out together, dad would be somewhere at the horizon marching ahead, i'd be running behind him scared i'd lose him in the crowd while mom and sis would be walking at their own pace somewhere in the back. God sometimes he can be more of a kid than me!!! :)

3) Sis: My one and only friend through childhood. I remember always trying to butt in while she and her other friennds got together and she used to get frustrated and close the door of the room. Man i used to feel left out then. Thankfully i grew out of being her bratty little sister to a close friend pretty soon!

4) Crush: I had my first crush in school (though i didnt realse it at the time). He was a good friend at first. But then teenage struck. You ever notice how guys turn crazy around 7th standard...its like they get a testosterone burst or something that turns all of them into jerks!!! ANd he of course turned into this all cool stud who i just couldn't stand. I hated him for years to come....first time i genuinely felt like cursing someone!!!hehe......Ah of course, i got to be someone's crush in school too (though i admit these occassions have bbeen few and far between. what can a girl do???!!) He was a total gunk, tho i still maintain that he was a gunk with good taste!!hehe...Avoided him most of the time. But i admit it always is a bit flattering to think that someone likes you!

5) Miss Cellophane: New into college (11th)...didn't know anyone except some of my schoolmates. We had a group of 12 of which only 11 actually mattered. Its the most horrible feeling on earth to feel like nobody would actually notice if you left. Cried my eyes out on more occassions than i'd like to admit. College couldn't have ended soon enough for me!!!

6) Depression: I think 12th was my most traumatic year ever. AT home for more than 6 months. Not a single friend who had biology and hence no company. Alone at home atleast 8hrs a day. Constant pressure of upcoming exams and entrances. I fluctuated between study and time pass with an ever present feeling of guilt for whiling my time away. I was averse to any length of time alone at home for years to come!!!

7) Rejection: Ever had a huge crush on one of your good friends??? Well i did....its goddamn awful being subjected to a narrative of his long list of girlfriends. It was a stupid, slightly illogical crush..but it still hurt to know that he would never think of me in that way. Thank god, i managed to get past that while still retaining him as a friend.

8) Love: Is there really anything i can say that hasn't been said a thousand times before??? Its really unfair to try to sum the feeling up in a few words. I'm just lucky i found him.

There are probably thousand other memories. Its weird some some of the sad ones seem to leave more of an impression that the happy ones. But there's no way i can deny the immense happiness i feel at sharing my life with my family and my best friends. Here's to many more memorable times with all of you!!!!

Confession

This is probably one of my most spontaneous(and probabaly ill-thought ) posts. Its almost midnight...i'm pretty sleep deprived and yet stuck reading for an upcoming presentation. I've had this nagging feeling for a few days now....a feeling that something's missing in my life.... as if i'm missing in my life. And in the middle of all this, i end up looking up photos of one of my friends....out studying in the US. roaming around, having a good time. My mind tries telling me that those are just snapshots of their life, that they probably have just as many lows, just as much frustration. To top it off, i have a whole bunch of my friends including 2 of my best friends, on their way or already in the US. and at the end of it all...i can't escape this god-awful feeling of just being left behind. Its kinda hard to assure them that they are making the right choice without trying to apply the same logic to my own life. Did i chicken out and settle for something, instead of going all out for something i was so convinced i wanted??? If nothing else, it've would've been a new experience, an amazing opportunity to widen my own horizons! I know i should be thankful that i am close to home, that i have the luxury of seeing the people i love whenever i want. And even though i crib, i know that i have been lucky to find a really good and caring set of friends here. Maybe this is just me being sad at the prospect of not seeing my friends again for years to come. To all of those who are are leaving, i need not tell you that i am happy for all of you,from the bottom of my heart. And i hope that all of us, find what we are looking for in life and most important of all...find each other again. Here's to friendship!!!

A dream worth fighting for

I'm the kind of person, who loves to think and analyse. Now before you reach the conclusion that these are valuable scientific skills that would explain my getting into PhD, let me clarify. These are skills i very rarely(and generally unsuccessfully :( ) apply to my work. However, i apply them with great enthusiasm to me and my life...in other words, introspection. Now most people think of that as a activity which could bear rich fruits and lead to real self-improvement. but in my case, all it seems to lead to is worry, confusion and an additional crease line on my brow. I had read somewhere that its highly difficult to be objective about your own life and choices, and thats probably the reason for my recurring failure at introspection. But recently i have begun to realise that a great part of the fault might lie in the motivation behind my life choices.

As i have mentioned before, i have always had a bit of difficulty figuring out what i want, be it the small things like which restaurant do you wanna eat at or what career path do you wanna follow!! I suck at making decisions! Every time i consider a certain choice, i'd think not about what i want but what kind of reaction it would evoke. Always found it far simpler to hand over the decision making to someone else and go along with what they want. Assertion could lead to disagreement, and that must be avoided at all costs!!! Its just so much simpler to agree than to fight for what you want right??!!! Well......WRONG!!! But i'm, just beginning to realise that :(

I read in a book (Fountainhead by AYN RAND....it was creepy but i identified a bit too much with Peter Keating!!) that one of the hardest things in life is knowing what you want and pursuing it! The reason i feel dissatisfied when i think about my choices, is that i feel i made them for the wrong reasons....not because i felt passionately about them but maybe coz the other choices were less convenient, or risky or just plain impractical (practicality, now thats one more thing someone needs to explain to me!!). Why didn't i ever give dancing more of a chance?? Why didn't i take a year's break and get into MBBS (i think it was a combination of ER and House, but i really thought i was meant for it!) And why exactly am i doing PhD????!!

Thinking that i will or will not be good at something, is not and should never be a valid reason for not trying!!!!!!! If you let fear rule your decisions, then of course you'll end up having regrets!!! I don't know whether this would work in the real world, but i just wish i had the clarity to know what i want and the courage to go after it. Maybe i'll end up with a life that'll not measure up to any conventional standards of success, but maybe...just maybe i'll be truly happy. Not necessarily because i succeeded but because i tried. A life without fear...now thats a dream worth fighting for isn't it??

Randomness

Here's my first (of many i'm sure) post dedicated to the insanity in me!

For those of you who don't know me that well....I am a pretty sensible,predictable and kinda boring sort of girl. But there come days (once in a few weeks or months) when all sense puts in its papers and goes on a long vacation, leaving me to enjoy a bout of pure unadulterated insanity and randomness!!! People who have been unfortunate enough to witness me on such days (Sanika can give u plenty of instances...poor girl!!)will testify to my mad behaviour...whether they laugh with me or at me...i can guarantee you its a lot of entertainment!!!hehe

Anyway, this post is a testament to my first such attack of randomness since i got to IISc. It was bang in the middle of my semester finals. I was fighting a losing battle with sleep, cramming immunology. As expected, my mind wandered (much to kuby's disapproval) and i came up with this poem! For those of you who have heard this song, you will realise its my attempt to translate it in English, and the comic twist to it is ENTIRELY INTENTIONAL!!hehe....and before i get a lot of hate mail for ruining the song, let me clarify that i totally love this song too!!!

So keep your brain in some safe place where it'll be unable to influence you and read on. Anyone who has seen David Dhaawan movies like Judwaa should have no problem accomplishing this (dont you just love how their twin, same action thing kicks in only when they are geographically in the same country and later on is subject to be turned on and off at will!! Hindi movies rock!!)

Tambourine

O my heart, u r so crazyyyyy
Lord alone knows what u[ve been thinkin....
Lord alone knows what u’ve been thinkin, mad guy!!
Why do u keep distracting me with dreamz??!!!
When dreams rain down drop drop,
My eyes go flip flop......
When dreams rain down drop drop,
My eyes go flip flop
How am i to walk...
When i cant see...
Strange roads in front of me!!!!

Far away there plays a tambourine tambourine
Far away there plays a tambourine (2)
Soft echoes of a tambourine tambourine
Soft echoes of a tambourine
Far away there plays a tambourine tambourine
Far away there plays a tambourine

Ignorant of the world around me i listen to a story,
Whether its the full story or not, god alone knows!!
I became somebody else’s without even knowing,
Whether he’ll be here forever or go abroad!!!
who knows it all??!!!
Please give him a call!!!

When the dreams rain down drop drop..
My eyes go flip flop!!! (2)
How am i to walk
When i cant see....
Where the road is leading me!!!
Far away plays a tambourine tambourine
Far away plays a tambourine (2)
Soft echoes of a tambourine tambourine
Soft echoes of a tambourine
Far away plays a tambourine tambourine tambourine
Far away plays a tambourine!!!

PS: FOr those who are wondering abt my choice of Tambourine as an intrument, i have 2 awesome references
a) Dangerous Minds - awesome movie by Michael pfeiffer which led me to my second reference
b) Hey Mr. Tambourine man- Bob DYlan (really nice song!!)

And more importantly- PLZ DONT SEND ME HATE MAIL FOR THIS!!! :(

Kal, Aaj aur Kal

A few days ago, on a bus ride home (home being iisc as of now) i started thinking about my life and how i got to be me. Its amazing, but when i think about it i myself find it hard to believe how much i've changed in the past few years.

Since i was a little kid, i have always been kinda lost....not exactly sure of who i was or what i wanted. I have always been surrounded by relatively dominant personalities, my DAD, sis, grandmom and even mom is some cases (no fault of theirs, just who they are!), the end result being that you have a relatively clueless kid with a really impressionable mind surrounded by ppl who know exactly what they want. Since then, i got into this habit of trying to be like the people around, my way of trying to fit in i guess! And it manifested itself in pretty irritating ways sometimes, the worst affected being my sister!!! Poor thing, she had to bear the brunt of being my idol!!! I wanted to do everything she did...go to school like her, talk like her...everything you can think of!!! Hell i actually learnt to write by writing over her words in her school notebook...played with and broke most of her toys too!!!hehe....Sorry babes, for being such a pain in the neck (i had to stop myself from using more graphic language on the off chance that my mom reads this!!hehe).

Suffice to say, i went through most of my childhood, being exactly what people around me wanted...as long as they were happy i must be doing things right!!!model child and all....in short BORING!!!I doubt anyone who knows me now will believe it, but i was shy as hell!i barely if ever went anywhere without my mom, i spoke less...and that too only with girls.never had a guy as a good friend for ages...and worst of all, i never met anyone who i had stuff in common with or who didnt think i was kinda weird (being a teacher's daughter didn't wuite help either!!). So once again, i became what they wanted me to become.They all thought i was their good friend, when they didnt know me at all.

Looking at all this, moving to Pune has done wonders for me!!!I sometimes wish i'd grown up in a big city like that, (at least compared to raigad it seemed big to me then!!!)i would've probably been very different! For the first time i had real friends, though i had rough patches there too. And it gave me my best friends sanika, manasi and of course ajay!!! And my fave place of all in Pune is the University!!! I think the 5 years i spent there were like a whirlwind for me...i totally did a 180 degree change, except this time i was being me!!!I had a great set of friends..both guys and girls!! I especially have to thank the guys in my group, for being such great friends. I spent like 70% of my time with them, and turned into this total buddy type person. They ogled at girls in front of me, swore in front of me (occasionally!) and basically totally forgot that i was a girl!!! But i had loads of fun with them, and learnt a lot too. Dont get me wrong, some of my best memories are of night outs with the girls, but guys talk abt such a huge variety of stuff, its fascinating!!! And the best thing about the group as a whole was, no judgment!!! i could be myself, act crazy, dance away to glory and they didnt mind at all. its an unbelievably liberating feeling.....acceptance like that comes rarely!!

And now that i'm in a totally new city, people seem to think i've always been this way!! its pretty funny actually...and i'm sure that most people wud think that i'm kidding (if were not for the excruciating detail in which i've written this post...making it so boring that there's no doubt that its true!!!). Well now i think i'm actually getting crazier by the day...probably making up for my childhood that i wasted being serious and boring!!! so here's hopin i can sustain this craziness through my phd (lord knows it can extinguish enthusiasm of all sorts if u let it!). Sorry for this extremely long and boring post...guess i now know why actors tend to talk so much when they get nostalgic on receiving a lifetime's achievement award and stuff (thats me getting filmi again, u can prepare urself for a post on that in the near future!hehe).

LOOKING BACK AT THE YEARS,
I CAN NOW SEE
HOW SCARED I WAS...SCARED TO BE ME..
IT AINT GONNA BE EASY,
BUT I'VE MADE A START...
ONE BY ONE..TEARING MY FEARS APART..
A DAY WILL COME...
WHEN I'LL FINALLY UNDERSTAND..
THIS GIRL IN THE MIRROR..WHO HOLDS MY HAND.

Dancing and me!!!!

Well i figured that the easiest way to find something to post would be to write about stuff that i love! And though that list is pretty huge, the first position is without any doubt taken by DANCING!!!!Dancing per se is a pretty common "hobby". But for someone like me, hobby doesnt even come close to describing what i feel for dance!!!

From the time that i can remember i have always loved dance. Even as a kid, i was fully capable of breaking into dance at a moment's notice. Even now i can be caught in the corridors or hallways, dancing while i think no one is looking (or to be more honest i dont really care if they do!!) And unlike most people, i dont even need music to play out loud....i am perfectly capable of playing a song in mu head and beginning to dance to it!!!!I have realised that its almost impossible for me to not respond to music....either my hands or my feet or head are bound to be in action (even if i seem perfectly still you can bet in my head i'm doing one hell of a jig!!!)

People seem to interpret my love for dance as a natural consequence of my being good at it. they couldnt be further from the truth!!! Its kinda hard to explain, but nothing makes me as happy as dance does!! Throughout my life there have been a lot of things that i have done for reasons ranging from academic to personal...done them because i had to or was expected to! But dance is one thing that i know for sure i was born to do!!! And this has got nothing to do with my dancing skill at all...its just who i am..the real me!! even today when i'm low or depressed all i need to do is put on a song and just dance...not for an audience, but just for me.its not about the steps or the rhythm or the song....its about me losing myself in the music, and for that span of time the troubles just dont exist anymore!!! people need drugs or alcohol or food to forget their woes....i just need to dance!! :)

I have seen a lot of people who are proper dance professionals, learnt dance for years, and all that. And yet they seem to dance only for an audience, only when they have practised and perfected their act! But play a normal song, and they dont respond, they are not even tempted by the music!! With all due respect to their skill, i wouldnt call them dancers at all!! Dancing is not about training and performances....if u want to make a career out of it then sure. but in essence dance is highly personal! It comes from within you....and the purpose of dancing is not to entertain others...its sole purpose is to set you free. There are so many people out there,who are just too shy to dance. You dont know what they are missing people! Just try locking yourself in your room someday, put on a favourite song and let yourself go crazy! no inhibitions....no judgement....simply you! i guarantee that you'll have the time of your life! It'll make you feel more alive than you've ever felt before! (anyone remember the way fat monica dancing in friends?? now thats what i'm talking about~ :-) ) And dont worry about anyone seeing you...if a person is truly enjoying themselves..be it while dancing or singing or anythng else, there's not a person on earth who could look at them and resist smiling. they might think you've gone crazy...but after all, all of us need to go crazy once in a while. Its my brand of therapy and it can work wonders!!

So guys..keep dancing and keep smiling!!
O very happy in my heart dil dance maare re!!! (i know the song is crazy but its just so much fun!!!)

Why the hell did i start a blog??!!!

Well its been years since my friends have been telling me to start my own blog (lord i hope they werent being sarcastic!!!) and as usual i've been dragging my feet about it for all all this time. a few months ago i finally decided to get off my ass and do something about it....and then came blogger asked me the most basic question...BLOG TITLE!!!!
lord know, i've never been so blank in my entire life!!! having read a few blogs over the years, i'd seen the immense thought and creativity that a blog title could have. talk about pressure yaar!!!! trying to come up with a word or phrase that not only sums up my blog content but also makes ppl wanna read it (or atleast doesnt discourage them from doing so!!!).
well yesterday night, the Michael jackson song Man in the mirror suddenly popped into my head and i thought i cud adapt it to suit my purposes (its kinda cheesy, and i probably dont qualify as a "girl" anymore, but i prefer being ignorant for the moment).
Now having passed this first hurdle, i'm hoping that coming up with posts at regular intervals wont be that much of a problem...whether they will be worth reading or not is up to u guys to decide!!!! But anyone who's ever kept a diary will probably know that just trying to put your thoughts into words can sometimes help you sort out the confusion in your head....and i could certainly use some clarity!!!
So here's hoping for many more (good??) posts to come in the near future and some valuable and enjoyable comments from you!!!