A dream worth fighting for

I'm the kind of person, who loves to think and analyse. Now before you reach the conclusion that these are valuable scientific skills that would explain my getting into PhD, let me clarify. These are skills i very rarely(and generally unsuccessfully :( ) apply to my work. However, i apply them with great enthusiasm to me and my life...in other words, introspection. Now most people think of that as a activity which could bear rich fruits and lead to real self-improvement. but in my case, all it seems to lead to is worry, confusion and an additional crease line on my brow. I had read somewhere that its highly difficult to be objective about your own life and choices, and thats probably the reason for my recurring failure at introspection. But recently i have begun to realise that a great part of the fault might lie in the motivation behind my life choices.

As i have mentioned before, i have always had a bit of difficulty figuring out what i want, be it the small things like which restaurant do you wanna eat at or what career path do you wanna follow!! I suck at making decisions! Every time i consider a certain choice, i'd think not about what i want but what kind of reaction it would evoke. Always found it far simpler to hand over the decision making to someone else and go along with what they want. Assertion could lead to disagreement, and that must be avoided at all costs!!! Its just so much simpler to agree than to fight for what you want right??!!! Well......WRONG!!! But i'm, just beginning to realise that :(

I read in a book (Fountainhead by AYN RAND....it was creepy but i identified a bit too much with Peter Keating!!) that one of the hardest things in life is knowing what you want and pursuing it! The reason i feel dissatisfied when i think about my choices, is that i feel i made them for the wrong reasons....not because i felt passionately about them but maybe coz the other choices were less convenient, or risky or just plain impractical (practicality, now thats one more thing someone needs to explain to me!!). Why didn't i ever give dancing more of a chance?? Why didn't i take a year's break and get into MBBS (i think it was a combination of ER and House, but i really thought i was meant for it!) And why exactly am i doing PhD????!!

Thinking that i will or will not be good at something, is not and should never be a valid reason for not trying!!!!!!! If you let fear rule your decisions, then of course you'll end up having regrets!!! I don't know whether this would work in the real world, but i just wish i had the clarity to know what i want and the courage to go after it. Maybe i'll end up with a life that'll not measure up to any conventional standards of success, but maybe...just maybe i'll be truly happy. Not necessarily because i succeeded but because i tried. A life without fear...now thats a dream worth fighting for isn't it??

Randomness

Here's my first (of many i'm sure) post dedicated to the insanity in me!

For those of you who don't know me that well....I am a pretty sensible,predictable and kinda boring sort of girl. But there come days (once in a few weeks or months) when all sense puts in its papers and goes on a long vacation, leaving me to enjoy a bout of pure unadulterated insanity and randomness!!! People who have been unfortunate enough to witness me on such days (Sanika can give u plenty of instances...poor girl!!)will testify to my mad behaviour...whether they laugh with me or at me...i can guarantee you its a lot of entertainment!!!hehe

Anyway, this post is a testament to my first such attack of randomness since i got to IISc. It was bang in the middle of my semester finals. I was fighting a losing battle with sleep, cramming immunology. As expected, my mind wandered (much to kuby's disapproval) and i came up with this poem! For those of you who have heard this song, you will realise its my attempt to translate it in English, and the comic twist to it is ENTIRELY INTENTIONAL!!hehe....and before i get a lot of hate mail for ruining the song, let me clarify that i totally love this song too!!!

So keep your brain in some safe place where it'll be unable to influence you and read on. Anyone who has seen David Dhaawan movies like Judwaa should have no problem accomplishing this (dont you just love how their twin, same action thing kicks in only when they are geographically in the same country and later on is subject to be turned on and off at will!! Hindi movies rock!!)

Tambourine

O my heart, u r so crazyyyyy
Lord alone knows what u[ve been thinkin....
Lord alone knows what u’ve been thinkin, mad guy!!
Why do u keep distracting me with dreamz??!!!
When dreams rain down drop drop,
My eyes go flip flop......
When dreams rain down drop drop,
My eyes go flip flop
How am i to walk...
When i cant see...
Strange roads in front of me!!!!

Far away there plays a tambourine tambourine
Far away there plays a tambourine (2)
Soft echoes of a tambourine tambourine
Soft echoes of a tambourine
Far away there plays a tambourine tambourine
Far away there plays a tambourine

Ignorant of the world around me i listen to a story,
Whether its the full story or not, god alone knows!!
I became somebody else’s without even knowing,
Whether he’ll be here forever or go abroad!!!
who knows it all??!!!
Please give him a call!!!

When the dreams rain down drop drop..
My eyes go flip flop!!! (2)
How am i to walk
When i cant see....
Where the road is leading me!!!
Far away plays a tambourine tambourine
Far away plays a tambourine (2)
Soft echoes of a tambourine tambourine
Soft echoes of a tambourine
Far away plays a tambourine tambourine tambourine
Far away plays a tambourine!!!

PS: FOr those who are wondering abt my choice of Tambourine as an intrument, i have 2 awesome references
a) Dangerous Minds - awesome movie by Michael pfeiffer which led me to my second reference
b) Hey Mr. Tambourine man- Bob DYlan (really nice song!!)

And more importantly- PLZ DONT SEND ME HATE MAIL FOR THIS!!! :(