This post was written 4 months ago. The fact that it's taken me this long to post it is a testament to my ever-increasing laziness. Anyway, for what it's worth, here goes!
I’m in a flight, surprisingly comfortable, since the seat
next to me is empty and on my way to visit San Jose. This will be the 9th
city I’ll be seeing since I moved to the US approximately a year ago. I’m
sitting here with a diary and pen in hand, trying to get my thoughts in order,
wondering secretly whether my co-passengers are impressed by my very serious,
writer-like thoughtful pose :P. Nonetheless, audience or no audience, I finally
have the chance to crystallize a jumble of half-formed reflections ever since I
started my meanderings in the U.S.
There’s no dearth of books and very learned people out there
extolling the many virtues of travel; meeting new people, experiencing
different cultures, being one with nature and all that good stuff! This past
year has allowed me to affirm much of that first hand. I’ve felt amazingly at
home and entranced by New York (the same feeling I get every time I go to
Mumbai). I’ve been totally converted into a lifelong Broadway fan after
watching my first show (Waitress was awesome!!) and the sheer powerhouse of
talent that I witnessed in a mere 2 hours. I discovered for myself that Vegas
casinos are overrated and definitely not for me, while still managing to enjoy
the experiences it had to offer. Basking in the sunny warmth of Florida in
December, moving open-mouthed through the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. (wish
I could’ve seen this as a kid!!) and so many other beautiful memories. But most
of all, I’ve been surprised at the things that I’ve discovered about myself as
I move through these strange cities.
Most people might agree that I’ve done a respectable job of
exploring this new country…while learning to manage all on my own. Despite my
tendency to focus on my failures, I feel a sense pf pride at this achievement.
It definitely wasn’t a seamless transition, but a reasonably successful one.
But there are some things that I discovered about myself that weren’t particularly
pleasant.
There is stuff that I sort of already knew. I suck as an explorer,
rather as a lone explorer. Be it shopping or sight-seeing, lack of company
takes 90% of the joy out of the experience. I do it more out of a sense of “should”
rather than “want to”. Definitely better than being a couch potato, but I’m
still a far way from reveling in my own company.
Encountering new people and cultures here have left me with
the realization that, at least in my thoughts, I can be really superficial,
shallow, prudish and sometimes even racist. I’ve encountered more obesity here
than ever before and found myself being shocked; instinctively reaching for the
stereotype of the lazy, fast-food guzzling American. Never mind that science is
beginning to show how some people are just naturally prone to gaining weight;
it might not necessarily be something they can control simply by diet and
exercise. I’ve heard of friends and acquaintances getting hitched and my
knee-jerk thought being one of surprise; surprise that they “managed to find
someone who thinks they are attractive and loves them, despite their looks”. I
always thought of myself as a kind person, someone who doesn’t judge people by
their looks. Lord know I’m no beauty myself and I never expected to find love.
Despite being proven wrong (luckily), I guess my shallow viewpoint has never truly
changed.
I’d never encountered an openly gay person in India. One day
as I was walking down the road, I passed by a person dressed as a drag queen
for the gay pride parade. The entire time, I was wondering what’s the “politically
correct” thing to do. Should I smile? Should I ignore him like I would any
other stranger on the street? Definitely shouldn’t stare! I’m pretty sure my
confusion was visible and I ended up with an awkward half-smile on my face. I
always thought that I’m totally cool with homosexuality. Yet when faced with,
what seemed to me as a garish display of their sexuality, I couldn’t take it in
my stride. It felt excessive and blatant and it made me uncomfortable!
Logically I know that I’m being petty. If the positions were reversed, I’d
probably be really mad at the people passing judgement on me just because of
the way I dress or my choices of a partner. It’s a classic case of practice versus
preach.
One of the most shocking revelations was my closet racism.
My heart has skipped a beat while walking home alone at night if a colored
person passed me by! I had second thoughts about getting into an Uber to the
airport at 2am because of the color of the driver. It’s the height of hypocrisy
considering that I myself am a person of color!
All of these thoughts have left me deeply disappointed with
myself; disappointed and scared. Scared because it means that without even having
interacted with any of these sects of people personally, stereotypes about them
have unknowingly been firmly implanted in my subconscious. I take some
consolation in the fact that I haven’t yet let these thoughts influence my
actions or my behavior (not that I know of at least). Not to mention, that all
of this is in an American context and therefore much easier for me to spot.
There probably are similar stereotypes that were at play in India which I never
caught on to, because it’s a lot subtler. If any of you know of any such
instance, I’d greatly appreciate you bringing it to my attention. Being aware
of my slip ups and analyzing the thought process behind them will hopefully
allow me to rise above this eventually; at least I hope it does!
Travel is a learning experience, not only because you see
new things, but also because you get to see yourself through different lenses.
After enjoying the perks of being part of the “majority” voice in India all my
life, it’s the first time I’m experiencing the flip side; being an outsider, a
minority and given the current climate, possibly an unwelcome entity in a
country. Not that it has brought any hardships to me personally, not yet at least.
But it has definitely made me more aware of and sensitive to the experiences of
others, both here in the U.S. as well as back home, who have to deal with these
issues on a daily basis.
P.S. If any of my confessions cause anyone pain, I sincerely apologize. It wasn't my intention at all.
