Whats in a name??

Marriage always has and always will be a hot topic of discussion and debate. And considering that most of my friends are of, so to speak, “marriageable age”, its not surprising that its a topic that comes up pretty frequently! When i think about it, i realise that through the years my ideas of marriage have changed quite a lot, as i have got more wordly-wise (hopefully!!).

There is something about marriage that always brings this queasy feeling....its this weird mixture of anticipation, excitement with a pretty generous dose of fear and apprehension!!! I mean come on....”together for life” seems like such a huge thing to say!! Sometimes i feel i’m just not grown up or reliable enough to make a call like that...but hey thats a different issue altogether!! As a girl there are many things that you have to be prepared to change when u decide to take the big leap. Having a husband is just one of the things....you take on a new family, a whole new set of quirky relatives, a new home and a new surname!! You become Mrs. XYZ and suddenly you feel so very different!!!

I used to be pretty okay with the entire concept of a name change! I’ve had pretty feminist discussions with many of my friends on various issues from...why does the girl always have to leave her home, her family...why does she always have to be the one who does all the housework, make all the adjustments and compromises....and so on and so forth. These discussions have made me realise that try as i may, i will never be much more than a weak feminist!!!hehe. Hell if you know me enough you’d probably have realised thats more of less true of many of the issues in life....i tend to partly like some points of both sides, therefore not supporting anything completely. I’m damn easy to beat in debates if you are smart enough to catch the paradoxes and lacunae in my arguments!!!hehe

Be that as it may, there was something exciting about taking on a new name. Somehow it  drove across the “you are someone’s wife” feeling pretty effectively. But recently i’ve begun to realise how much your name can actually mean to you. Well most people would say that Namrata is a quality that is absolutely wrong to describe me!!! But i kind of like my name, whether it suits me or not! When i first came to Bangalore, (it was my first time away from home) it wasn’t ever homesick. Everyone used to call me Namrata/Iyer/NRI (god i hate being called NRI) and things were fine. Then one day, out of the blue, my friend Shiv called me Namu, and i swear it almost brought tears to my eyes! Its what i’m always called at home, and being called Namu always brings me a step closer to people, makes me feel comfortable as if i’m with family!!(God, I’ll always love Shiv for this!!!)  But i guess thats the power of a name that you’ve lived with your whole life!

Without realising it, your name is connected to your definition of you! And its not just about the first name, it extends to your surname too! Right from your place of origin, your character traits to your nature to being a well rehearsed topic of conversation...your name is part of so many things that are a part of you! Not to mention being an indelible connection to your family both past and present! Is it really necessary then, for a girl to give this up when she gets married? Its true that she is becoming a part of a new family. But in today’s day and age, that doesn’t come at the cost of letting go of your old family! With travel and communication becoming so efficient, you can be a part of your family no matter how many oceans separate you! So its about taking on a new family for her and the exact same thing applies to the guy too (it does and it should)! Then why should the change be one sided only. Is it really necessary to change your surname to tell the world that you two are husband and wife? Is this giving up of a surname in part responsible for the desire to have a son so that (as they soooo love to say in movies) the family name lives on?!!

I can see the practical arguments against this...... if the husband and wife have different names then what surname would you give the kids....how would you define your family then..and so on!! Truth be told i don’t have any brilliant answers to any of these questions! And i’m not necessarily saying that i wouldn’t change my surname post marriage either. I briefly toyed with the idea of just adding on the 2^nd surname..... Mrs. Namrata Iyer-XYZ (shit, even with the XYZ it feels like a heavy thing to write!!!). But after living with a super long middle name like Ramchandran, 2 surnames just feels like too much of a burden to carry for life!!!I guess all i’m saying is, I’d feel sad giving up my surname....even if its a relatively small thing, it would be yet another link to my past i’d be leaving behind at the start of this journey called marriage!!

Agony Aunt

I’ve always prided myself at being a good listener. Be it friends or family, I’ve always enjoyed getting people to talk and confide in me....problems, doubts, love stories....i’m game for anything!!And the tougher a nut to crack the better (there’s something exceedingly satisfying about getting people who are inherently silent to talk to you....lord knows they can turn into some of the most prolific talkers once u break the barrier....its fun!!!! J) This quality has allowed me to think of myself as a very successful agony aunt type of person and i’m pretty proud of it too :)

Unfortunately,in my case, this ability to listen is combined with a great love of talking!!!!As some people would say, i am a bit too fond of the sound of my own voice!!! Its not without reason that my teacher in nursery had labelled me “Grandmother” within days of knowing me! I have the capacity to talk non-stop, irrespective of whether or not i’m making sense!! The worst side of this is brought out if someone asks me for advice....thats just it!!! Especially if its with regards to future plans or a broken heart...man there ain’t no stopping me!!! I’ll have an endless list of questions..full on analysis aimed at helping you decipher exactly what you are feeling. Steps as to how you can deal with the situation or which is the most suitable path to take! Man, the sheer clarity of thought would make anyone think that i can deal with anything. Little do they know how quickly this clarity goes out of the window when a problem comes-a-knocking on my door!!!

Well most of the time my approach seems to work well with my friend. Present all the pros and cons and lend objectivity to an apparently confusing situation. But once in a while, you tend to cross the line. The advice stops being useful and just ends up adding to the confusion and instead of helping someone I end up making the situation worse. Good intentions and all set aside, I realise i’ve messed up. If only there were some alarm bell that would go off in my head warning me that an advice overdose is happening, it would be such a great help (this goes pretty high up on the wish list below a mute button for my voice...i always end up speaking loudly or even worse, laughing, at exactly the wrong time!!!)

For all those friends who’ve stuck with me despite all my constant talking, nagging, scolding and sometimes agonising advice.....you guys are the best!!! :)