I do.....???

Age has its many advantages. Take my case for example, almost thirty and yet unmarried, but with a huge storehouse of information on the institution that is marriage. It’s one of the many perks of having almost every one of your near and dear friends married. It’s a privilege to have seen many of those relationships go from being “just friends” and in some cases, strangers, to becoming life partners….and each one unique. Some cases where relationships have just grown stronger and stronger over the years, and some where time and circumstances tore people apart. Considering all this information I have, one would think I should’ve figured out this whole marriage thing after all. Well, I sure as hell tried.

Our movies do a great job of drilling in this notion that when the right person comes along….you just know it. You get this gut feeling…that it’s meant to be. It’s a lovely thought and I’ve seen it happen too. Not the love at first sight kinda thing of course. But two people who are with each other and just somehow know that they want that person in their life forever. This calm certainty, without ever having to analyze or think about it. God I wish I had gut feelings like that. With me, well, knowledge or insight has always been hard earned. Marriage always has and still does, to some extent, freak me out, though my concerns have changed over the years. I went from worrying over whether the other person was right for me, whether he really loved me to wondering whether I was right for him; whether I could be trusted to fulfil on a lifetime commitment to someone. I’ve lived enough by now to know that saying you love someone at one point doesn’t just ensure that those feelings last the rest of your life. It takes real effort, each and every day, to keep that alive. Sounds boring, sounds tough….not at all romantic. Well then, it must be the truth.

I watched this movie as a kid…it was, and still is, one of my favourites. The Runaway Bride. A story of this girl who keeps running away from her own weddings; panicking at the very last moment in the face of this lifetime commitment. Until…she gazes into the soulful eyes of Richard Gere, someone who knows the real her, when she herself doesn’t.  And she just knows, that he’s the one for her. Well, I made the movie sound horrible…well done Namu!!! Don’t get me wrong, it really is a wonderful movie. And yes, I don’t blame the heroine…..those soulful eyes really are irresistible. But what I loved about her, is this desire to be the ideal woman for the person she is with, to the point that she lost herself in the process. Comical though it may seem, it’s something I myself have felt. 

Nobody ever asked me to change or criticized my choices or appearance. I have been lucky that way. But tragedy is…they never had to. The voice in my head was doing that for me already. And is it really so wrong to do whatever it takes to make the person you care about happy? Well I tried, and I failed….multiple times. And dreadful though it was, it forced me into a situation I had always feared…being alone. There’s nothing I hate more in the world. And as promised, it was a horrible time in my life and I am really really glad that I had to go through it. It taught me a lot of things and I am truly grateful. When left to my own devices, I had no option but to figure out what I wanted for myself, by myself…without having anybody to approve or disapprove of the choices I made. I hated it…but it was liberating nonetheless! It takes a certain kind of confidence and comfort level with who you are to be willing to try new things and change. Being alone didn’t get me set into a rigid definition of me…just gave me the confidence that every change I make is my choice and not a sign of being lost or scared. I don’t think I could’ve built a happy relationship without that realization. I’m still very much a work in progress…I guess everyone is, in one way or another. 

There’s a line in that movie…a proposal but without the usual hearts and flowers. This unusual declaration that their marriage will have its tough times, with one or both left wondering sometimes whether they should bail. And yet, you know in your heart that you would be missing out on something if you didn’t ask that person to spend their life with you. Okay okay…it sounds much better when Richard Gere says it. Hell he could propose in Russian and still make it sound romantic. But that’s really all the certainty, all the guarantee you’ll ever have….what you feel for that person at that very moment and the willingness to try and build a happy life together. All the rest you kinda just take as it comes.  It’s so much more peaceful this way….knowing that there are no set right answers out there, no guarantees either. Suddenly, marriage  doesn’t seem that scary anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true. But it’s a good kinda scary….like the butterflies in your stomach when your nervous. Like a big adventure…with some guaranteed good company even though you’re not quite sure where the road leads. And if you do enough things right, the adventure can last a lifetime. If not, it’ll still be one helluva experience.

So then,do I really wanna go down that road?? I think…. I do!!! :)