Losing yourself

Its been a tough week…a tough month….a tough year! So many changes, so many challenges, so many sincere attempts and oh so many failures. Don’t get me wrong….i didn’t write this to crib. I’ve had my fair share or more than that of good times. I found something precious I lost a few years back….fixed something in me that was broken for a long time and I couldn’t be more grateful. But I made a commitment 5 years ago, that I had told myself I need to honor. If not for anything else, then to prove that I don’t give up…..not without a fight anyhow. But there were many times I caught myself wishing so hard that I could just fast forward by 6 months and have it over with, this deadline that has felt like a ticking timebomb in my head. “I’ve been working hard haven’t I??” I’d say….. “hard as I possibly can. Why isn’t that enough?!! Why cant the world think well of me because I tried….why should I have to succeed and look good?!!” Not that any of that was imposed on me….it was baggage I had chosen, subconsciously though it may have been and I have been carrying it around for what seems like forever. Well its almost the end…..a big battle has gone by….I survived to tell the tale….and I stand here on the other side….wishing I could get a time out. But unfortunately there is no such concept in the real world!!! And so i trudge on….with all the grace of a war hero called back from a well-deserved vacation!! As you can probably tell from the mood…….it hasn’t been a very good day. Despite the recent success….I have felt today, so acutely, the pull of strings forcing me in different directions all at once. What I want to do, what I need to do, what the people I care for want me to do and so on. Felt like my head would split with all the noise inside….like these next few months would never end. I had a break all planned out and I didn’t know if i’d be able to enjoy it as I hoped. I didn’t know if i’d be able to shut off the voices in my head. And then I got what I was looking for…..oblivion….losing myself into the darkness of a cinema hall…plunged into the lives and hearts of two of the most beautiful characters I have seen in a long time! Laughed louder than I have in a long time…. cried like my heart would break, cant remember the last time that happened….and came out with the sense of privilege for having known two such wonderful people. Sahana pointed out to me, how i had felt for that story as much as I felt for real life….and I agree wholeheartedly. Its my special quality, weird idiosyncrasy…whichever way you’d like to see it. I can bawl my eyes out in a hall filled with strangers but find in difficult to cry when life is so hard, even with some of my closest friends. And despite all my limitations and weaknesses….I hope I never lose this…this sense of losing oneself in a story…of feeling and experiencing it in a way that makes it real…..so much so that your world and everything in it ceases to exist for that time….and the journey back to reality where u feel like u have lived and learned so much in such a short time! It’s a gift and I will cherish it all my life!