There are movies....and then there are MOVIES!!!!

I am by nature a very emotional person....and one of my biggest and everlasting passions is movies!! From as far back as i can remember, watching movies has kind of been our favourite family activity. In fact we pride ourselves on being able to withstand any type of cinema be it nonsensical slapstick comedy, hard core romance or science fiction (though horror is one genre i still have to try out!!!) and never, i repeat NEVER leaving a theatre halfway through a movie (sheer sacrilege!!!). But of all these genres, my nature (and people would say my gender) endows me with a special ability to appreciate romantic and emotional movies!!! :) Ok well i admit it, i can really be a sucker for emotional movies!!!hehe....

I've seen them all, from the stupidest mills n boon romance flick to yash chopra's epic love stories to tragic movies like artificial intelligence. I've always loved the process of watching such movies....being able to place yourselves in the shoes of each of the characters, imagining what it would be like to go through the same things as them....making each emotion that much more personal and real. Such an approach is not without its repercussions......with those 2-3 hours of cinema bringing with it peaks of happiness and equally heart-wrenching lows...a lifetime's experience condensed into a couple of hours which can sometimes stay with you even once you come out of the movie hall. It is this quality that sets some movies apart from the run-of-the-mill love stories....movies that connect with you in some deep and inexplicable way. Of the countless movies that i have seen, very few fall into this category....stories like Veer Zaara (i dont care if ppl hate me for naming this movie), Devdas and most of all Dil Se!!!

Recently, i had the good sense and good fortune of watching Rockstar in the theatre....and by God, was it an experience!!! I went in having heard mixed reviews for the movie....and after watching it, there's no wonder why!!! Its the kind of movie that you will either love or not understand at all!! You might find the locales beautiful, love the music...but if you don't connect with the emotion, then it was all in vain!! Its one of those movies, that has released at the exactly right time in my life. Even though i would've ordinarily hated to admit this, there are some things you just cannot understand unless you have gone through a similar experience yourself......has it ever happened that you have listened to and liked/disliked a song in your young days and then suddenly heard it years later and finally understood and appreciated it (Listen to 'Somewhere over the rainbow" by Harry Nilson from the soundtrack of The wizard of Oz, maybe you'll understand what i'm trying to say)!!! You can sympathize with a character no end, but personal experiences can take empathy to a whole different level! The rebellion, passion and pain of Jordan in Rockstar, has struck a chord somewhere deep within....with music that has a soul of its own, its a movie i believe everyone should watch....if nothing else, it might give you an better understanding of the kind of person you are. It may not be appreciated by the masses...atleast not for the right reasons.....but still it'll remain one of the best cinematic experiences i've ever had. A heartfelt and sincere thanks to Imtiaz Ali and Rahman for this beautiful vision called rockstar!!!!

Friendship

We meet and interact with countless people everyday....be it in the workplace, a next-door neighbor or a random person on the street. Of these innumerable interactions, there emerge certain kindred spirits....people who make the rare transition from strangers and acquaintances to close friends. You never can predict when and how two people hit it off....sometimes its coz they have loads in common from hobbies to work to ideals and sometimes you can have two very different people coming together, learning from each other and managing to complement the other in surprising ways!!

In today's day and age, these friends are almost like our surrogate family....bound by ties that can go much deeper than plain genetics. Every thing we do, every decision we take, every new person that enters our lives has an effect on the others in this close-knit circle. We depend and many a times take for granted their support and encouragement in times of need and more often than not, are never let down! But what happens if we are doing something wrong...making the wrong choices?? Our ego can sometimes be our worst enemy, quietly assuring us that we are in control....that we can handle the situation. Protests and words of advice from this same family get a patient ear initially and if we are lucky, then better sense prevails. But what if that doesn't happen?? What if we have reached a point where we no longer have the ability to be objective about our actions? Then this same advice, words of protest and concern start to irk us....we no longer want to listen to any arguments...just want peace!!! What then should our friends do?? Admit that they can't get through to us and in the interest of harmony keep quiet?? Let us do as we please??

Its the worst kind of test to put our friends through....making them fight against us for our own good.....and its only the closest of friends who have the courage to do it. We would be truly fortunate to have such people around us.....

Boundaries

I have always had a problem making up my mind...figuring out which option is correct or finding the ideal answer to a question. My standard reply to any such dilemma tends to be “ depends....” followed by this long set of conditions, if and but statements....and at the end of this long drawn speech will come my answer, given in the most mild and diplomatic manner so as to not ruffle any feathers!!!! My diplomacy set aside, i have never understood how so many people seem to have such a clear cut idea of what to do in a particular situation. They talk in absolutes, having exact rules and boundaries which must be abided!!! It would be untrue to say that I’ve never had ideas like that. Doesn’t really take much to watch N number of movies, put yourself in the umpteen moral dilemmas that the hero/heroine always manage to find themselves and then coolly pass judgement, stating very categorically that the xyz character should of course have known better and how you would’ve acted differently if placed in their shoes. Truth be told, this kind of judgement even happens in real life. But what i’ve realised is, you can never truly know how you will behave until you are actually going through that particular situation. At that time, the unbiased objectivity of an onlooker eludes you no matter how much you search for it. You struggle just to prevent your emotions and fears from taking a hold of you and clouding your judgement. Struggle to sift through the mountains of advice and solutions that people ever-so-generously bestow on you...which actually tend to confuse you even more, rather than do any good. And even at the end of all this, it is quite likely that you may not find the right answer or do the right thing....or at the very least there will be a section of people who think you are wrong. Makes me think that there’s never really just one right answer for everyone. Each person, each situation is different....and even if the right path might seem apparent to most, its that person’s ability to accept, execute and stand by the consequences of his/her choice that make it right or wrong. It would be ever so convenient if we were all divinely aware of the line dividing right from wrong. I guess the best we can hope for is to set our own boundaries and have the courage to stick by them....the rest will take care of itself...I hope!!!

Attachments

We never really realise how intertwined our lives are with the people around us..the people close to us. A tight web, where each person’s happiness, joys, sorrows and disappointments wash over like waves over everyone else ever so softly, that we don’t even notice. How a close friend’s problems take over our thoughts...all our focus concentrated on getting that problem solved, bringing a smile back to that person’s face!!! Some people might call it a weakness...this dependence on others, close friends or family though they may be....getting so involved and affected by other’s lives that it hampers our own! But truth be told, life has no meaning without these bonds and attachments....atleast not to me. I don’t think of myself as having any great purpose in life, nor any great ambitions or desires. I live for the people around me....for the people who are close to me. Its not the end result or any particular goal that drives me. Just the thought of sharing this journey with the people i love and care for. Each thought shared, every smile, every tear shed with and for them enriches every day of my life. Call it my weakness, but in truth they are my strength.

Memories!

I was trying to sleep the other night (before midnight for a change) when i randomly started a walk down memory lane....trying to spot some of the most vivid memories i have of my life till date. Thought i'd give you a glimpse of the same

1) Mom: i don't think there's ever beena time growing up that i wasn't amazingly attached to her. I remember crying at nights when i couldn't sleep with her when i was a little kid. Missing her like hell when i used to go down to my grandparents' house for a vacation and counting the days to when she'd come and take me back home.

2) Dad: I've loved being his little pet as a kid. I could never forget the way he's stand at the door of a lift pretending to magically open the door or waiting at the doors of a movie theatre wanting to be the first to get in. I was always the connecting bridge between him and mom n sis....even if we all went out together, dad would be somewhere at the horizon marching ahead, i'd be running behind him scared i'd lose him in the crowd while mom and sis would be walking at their own pace somewhere in the back. God sometimes he can be more of a kid than me!!! :)

3) Sis: My one and only friend through childhood. I remember always trying to butt in while she and her other friennds got together and she used to get frustrated and close the door of the room. Man i used to feel left out then. Thankfully i grew out of being her bratty little sister to a close friend pretty soon!

4) Crush: I had my first crush in school (though i didnt realse it at the time). He was a good friend at first. But then teenage struck. You ever notice how guys turn crazy around 7th standard...its like they get a testosterone burst or something that turns all of them into jerks!!! ANd he of course turned into this all cool stud who i just couldn't stand. I hated him for years to come....first time i genuinely felt like cursing someone!!!hehe......Ah of course, i got to be someone's crush in school too (though i admit these occassions have bbeen few and far between. what can a girl do???!!) He was a total gunk, tho i still maintain that he was a gunk with good taste!!hehe...Avoided him most of the time. But i admit it always is a bit flattering to think that someone likes you!

5) Miss Cellophane: New into college (11th)...didn't know anyone except some of my schoolmates. We had a group of 12 of which only 11 actually mattered. Its the most horrible feeling on earth to feel like nobody would actually notice if you left. Cried my eyes out on more occassions than i'd like to admit. College couldn't have ended soon enough for me!!!

6) Depression: I think 12th was my most traumatic year ever. AT home for more than 6 months. Not a single friend who had biology and hence no company. Alone at home atleast 8hrs a day. Constant pressure of upcoming exams and entrances. I fluctuated between study and time pass with an ever present feeling of guilt for whiling my time away. I was averse to any length of time alone at home for years to come!!!

7) Rejection: Ever had a huge crush on one of your good friends??? Well i did....its goddamn awful being subjected to a narrative of his long list of girlfriends. It was a stupid, slightly illogical crush..but it still hurt to know that he would never think of me in that way. Thank god, i managed to get past that while still retaining him as a friend.

8) Love: Is there really anything i can say that hasn't been said a thousand times before??? Its really unfair to try to sum the feeling up in a few words. I'm just lucky i found him.

There are probably thousand other memories. Its weird some some of the sad ones seem to leave more of an impression that the happy ones. But there's no way i can deny the immense happiness i feel at sharing my life with my family and my best friends. Here's to many more memorable times with all of you!!!!

Confession

This is probably one of my most spontaneous(and probabaly ill-thought ) posts. Its almost midnight...i'm pretty sleep deprived and yet stuck reading for an upcoming presentation. I've had this nagging feeling for a few days now....a feeling that something's missing in my life.... as if i'm missing in my life. And in the middle of all this, i end up looking up photos of one of my friends....out studying in the US. roaming around, having a good time. My mind tries telling me that those are just snapshots of their life, that they probably have just as many lows, just as much frustration. To top it off, i have a whole bunch of my friends including 2 of my best friends, on their way or already in the US. and at the end of it all...i can't escape this god-awful feeling of just being left behind. Its kinda hard to assure them that they are making the right choice without trying to apply the same logic to my own life. Did i chicken out and settle for something, instead of going all out for something i was so convinced i wanted??? If nothing else, it've would've been a new experience, an amazing opportunity to widen my own horizons! I know i should be thankful that i am close to home, that i have the luxury of seeing the people i love whenever i want. And even though i crib, i know that i have been lucky to find a really good and caring set of friends here. Maybe this is just me being sad at the prospect of not seeing my friends again for years to come. To all of those who are are leaving, i need not tell you that i am happy for all of you,from the bottom of my heart. And i hope that all of us, find what we are looking for in life and most important of all...find each other again. Here's to friendship!!!

A dream worth fighting for

I'm the kind of person, who loves to think and analyse. Now before you reach the conclusion that these are valuable scientific skills that would explain my getting into PhD, let me clarify. These are skills i very rarely(and generally unsuccessfully :( ) apply to my work. However, i apply them with great enthusiasm to me and my life...in other words, introspection. Now most people think of that as a activity which could bear rich fruits and lead to real self-improvement. but in my case, all it seems to lead to is worry, confusion and an additional crease line on my brow. I had read somewhere that its highly difficult to be objective about your own life and choices, and thats probably the reason for my recurring failure at introspection. But recently i have begun to realise that a great part of the fault might lie in the motivation behind my life choices.

As i have mentioned before, i have always had a bit of difficulty figuring out what i want, be it the small things like which restaurant do you wanna eat at or what career path do you wanna follow!! I suck at making decisions! Every time i consider a certain choice, i'd think not about what i want but what kind of reaction it would evoke. Always found it far simpler to hand over the decision making to someone else and go along with what they want. Assertion could lead to disagreement, and that must be avoided at all costs!!! Its just so much simpler to agree than to fight for what you want right??!!! Well......WRONG!!! But i'm, just beginning to realise that :(

I read in a book (Fountainhead by AYN RAND....it was creepy but i identified a bit too much with Peter Keating!!) that one of the hardest things in life is knowing what you want and pursuing it! The reason i feel dissatisfied when i think about my choices, is that i feel i made them for the wrong reasons....not because i felt passionately about them but maybe coz the other choices were less convenient, or risky or just plain impractical (practicality, now thats one more thing someone needs to explain to me!!). Why didn't i ever give dancing more of a chance?? Why didn't i take a year's break and get into MBBS (i think it was a combination of ER and House, but i really thought i was meant for it!) And why exactly am i doing PhD????!!

Thinking that i will or will not be good at something, is not and should never be a valid reason for not trying!!!!!!! If you let fear rule your decisions, then of course you'll end up having regrets!!! I don't know whether this would work in the real world, but i just wish i had the clarity to know what i want and the courage to go after it. Maybe i'll end up with a life that'll not measure up to any conventional standards of success, but maybe...just maybe i'll be truly happy. Not necessarily because i succeeded but because i tried. A life without fear...now thats a dream worth fighting for isn't it??