While I'm in between....

Well the title is inspired from this age old Britney song (oh yes...I used to be a fan once upon a time!). A time when innocence was still in style and we had Britney singing about how she's not a girl but not yet a woman...somewhere "in between". Now obviously, considering my age, I cannot claim anything of that sort! But over the past few weeks, this feeling of being "in between" two phases, two places, two MEs has kinda been predominat. It's to be expected in a way. A move to a new country, a new job is always going to be a big change and adapting to it is but natural. Although, for me this move has meant something more.

I've been lucky to lead quite a sheltered life till now. Sure, there have been plenty of ups and downs, successes and failures too. But all this while, I've been comfortable in the knowledge of being close to home. Knowing my family and closest friends were always close at hand...whenever I needed them or they needed me. Even when I moved away to a different city (only an overnight journey away from home mind you), I was lucky enough to find friends that became like family. So much so, that it became my second home of sorts. It's a phase I absolutely loved...yet a phase that had to end some day!

Don't get me wrong, I have been looking forward to this move for a very long time. Even when I didn't know why, I knew I wanted to live in the US for some time. Maybe its cause of the way decades of watching english movies has "programmed" me or else the rosy picture of life here that the fb pics of countless friends have painted or maybe just the thrill of being in a foreign country and seeing new things, experiencing a culture. I just knew I wanted that experience come what may and I'm really happy I got a chance to fulfill that dream.

But this move has brought with it a lot of things that I have successfully avoided till date!! The foremost being.... cooking!!!Despite living in a hostel for 5.5yrs I was lucky to have a decent enough mess that I never even had to make a cup of tea for myself, let alone a meal! Sure, there were plenty of girls who had a proper kitchen going in the hostel room. But the magic combination of decent south indian food in mess, good restaurants nearby and my  massive laziness ensured that I never had a single plate and bowl in my room!! Now of course, I live in a new country, with limited vegetarian options and no mess at my disposal...so cook I must!

It's been a fun ride "experimenting" in the kitchen....biting my nails while using the cooker for the first time, wondering if it would work right or whether i'd end up blowing the roof off! The first chapati....which was surprisingly edible, though oddly triangular in shape. The first omlette i flipped without breaking and of course my first sheera at home. Cooking gives you a surprisingly and slightly disconcerting amount of clarity on the exact amount of oil, sugar etc in the food you've made. Makes it much harder to convince yourself you're eating healthy! But hey I continue to hold on tightly to the notion that no matter what, home food is better than outside food.

It's at times like this though, that I miss not having anyone here to share the experiences with. My colleagues here, though extremely sweet and welcoming, don't really get my frustrations or triumphs with chapatis. There's no one around to taste and compliment what I've cooked (well if not the taste then atleast the effort that went into it). Plus all the countless calls back and forth getting mom's recipes makes me wish I'd done this long ago and been the one to cook for her for a change. Makes me really look forward to the time I'll have my family visit. Won't that feel all grown up....my family in my new home with me taking care of them!! Sounds like a lot of work....man being grown up is tough!!! But it really does sound pretty wonderful right now. So yeah, even though I haven't been  a "girl" for a very very long time....I think i'm finally getting the hang of being a grown woman. Honestly....it's about time!!! :)

To be or not to be

I don't think I'd ever have thought of taking a trip like this if left to my own devices. For some reason my eye has always turned inward more easily rather than looking out towards the world. There's a lot out there to see...people, places, behavior...nature in all it's glory. Try as I may though, looking out still doesnt cone easy.

It's like I took a vow to go through life as unnoticed and safe as possible. I can survive /get through uncertainty but I can't yet seem to enjoy it!! A train journey all by myself and I take the first chance I get to escape into the cocoon of the upper berth! Land in a strange new place and I will rather sit inside the ladies waiting room than explore!!! Sometimes even at home I find myself escaping into a book rather than talk/fight/ have fun with my family. I know in my head that I should treasure these times while I have them. Tomorrow I'll move to a new country and these times, this company is what I'll miss the most, even though I'll have all the time I want to read my books! Hell if I continue like this , fat chance I'll ever make new friends and have new adventures there.
Looks like this so called "social" girl has been an introvert in disguise all along. Or maybe I'm a little bit of both. Maybe if I just accept and revel in it, I won't feel trapped anymore. I can be social when I want and retire to my cosy books when I want. Kinda like Jekyl and Hyde, minus all the depressing and sociopathic tendencies obviously!! :P

Slipping through my fingers

Artists, writers, composers all talk of this weird feeling that comes over them, a spark out of nowhere that triggers their creativity. A word said by a stranger on the road, a fleeting thought or memory that can trigger a new composition, a new creation. A feeling so overwhelming, it compels to sit down and capture it that very moment threatening to disappear into forever unless you do so. Well I won't call myself an artist or a writer....stupid Devang Patel style lyrics to songs doesn;t really qualify me as one (though I am beginning to think of him as s kindred spirit!!!). Nonethess, there are times when I can string together a poem or two for people that mean a lot to me. It is especially useful as a birthday gift to the people in question, seeing how I am horrible at figuring out what gifts people would like! These poems, most of the times, are deliberate compositions. But yesterday I had a moment, when words just came to me from nowhere, triggered no doubt by a coming occassion, but unintentional nonetheless!! It was one of those times, when things were pretty effortless, words and ideas just coming to me rather than the usual struggle to fit thoughts into a rhyme scheme!! And though I say so myself, I loved it as I was coming up with it!! But alas, such things dont really think of an appropriate time when they knock on the door. It came to me when I was leaving for lunch, leaving me without access to my laptop to pen things down. I'd finished it by the time I was halfway through my meal and when I got back, it had slipped clear through my head (early onset Alzheimers' I tell you!!). Then at midnight yesterday, while trying to sleep, I remembered it again. I knew the ideas that I'd wanted to convey through the poem, but the words just didn't feel the same. It felt like a mediocre version of the one I'd composed in the afternoon. Don't worry, I haven't given up yet...but I felt like I'd lost something really good and that makes me sad!!! Anyway, lesson learnt I guess.....unbelievable though it may seem, some things are indeed more important than food!! :P

Silver linings

Ok…so it hasn’t been a good year! Contrary to whatever my facebook account or my “status” might pronounce, it hasn’t felt like a good year. It has had its highs, things that I discovered about myself, limits that I have pushed which I didn’t think I had it in me to overcome. Despite all of that, the way it looks like to me right now, it hasn’t been a good year.  That’s the weird thing about life right, it’s the bad things, things that get you down which leave an indelible mark on your memory, coming back to make you cringe and flinch when you are at your most vulnerable. In contrast, the best and happiest moments of your life are a struggle to hold on to, so fleeting and ethereal that you can’t really relive that experience try as you may. 

I’ve spent a greater part of this year, trying to take the sting off of many such negative memories and incidents in my life. To my credit, I’ve made enough progress to now know that these memories have power over me only because I choose to give it to them. They’ve lost their unchanging, doomsday quality, or atleast when I think logically I know they don’t have it. But it can get tiresome to keep reminding yourself that. Keeping them at bay can take a lot out of you and its no wonder then that the barrier gets weak and cracked once in a while. Finding myself at a crossroads in life right now, really makes the time ripe for all such time and energy consuming, but pretty often, pointless introspection. Its hard to live 30 years of your life and then have to confront the idea that you might have chosen a path that you never really liked or rather you only thought you liked because you were good at it. Being good at something and being passionate about something are two very different things and its scary as hell to realize that at 30 (almost 30) you are at best an amateur at what you think is your true passion. It might well happen that you might choose to pursue it and fail miserably! For someone who has always been good at studies and the like, dealing constructively with failure is something I have no practice with whatsoever. A fact that I have recently realized given the way my PhD has been going. Sometimes you get so busy keeping your options open and ensuring that there’s always a Plan B, that you lose sight of the fact that you never really did justice to Plan A in the first place. Backup plans become choices and before you know it, you get set on a comfortable and safe path. It’s a very well-disguised rut, a pattern that I am finding difficult to break out of. 

If I think about it a bit, I know that I am really fortunate in my circumstances. I have no real responsibilities, no one who is dependent on me, whose life gets affected by the choices I make. In fact, I am super lucky to have a superbly supportive family and friends who all are ready to even fight against me to ensure that I do what makes me happy. My head knows all these things, is grateful for all of these things. And yet, it does get difficult sometimes. I find myself going about my days a bit robotically, watching movies and serials to get my dose of that happy feeling. It’s not really apparent, no one outside my innermost circle would know of any of this internal struggle, but it’s there nonetheless. I know I’ll get out of it, but right now I have no idea of when or how that’s gonna happen. 

In the middle of all of this “introspection”, I was zapped out of my reverie the other day by a greeting on the road by someone I just knew by face. Despite the bad mood, I found myself automatically responding to that greeting with a smile on my face, a genuine smile. It wasn’t until after, that I fully appreciated what happened. I’ve been reading a lot of articles and hearing from people I know, their accounts of dealing depression, bipolar and other disorders. How difficult it can be for them to even have the will to get out of bed and sometimes at its very worst, what a struggle it can be just to keep from harming yourself bodily. Bad times and depression are something everyone encounters at particular stages in their life, there’s no getting around it. But being able to find it in you to smile, no matter what, is truly a blessing that I never fully appreciated.  It’s not something I can take credit for, its not a carefully cultivated habit or anything like that. It is just my default setting, something that I’ll always be able to do and for that reason, I am truly lucky. No matter what happens in the future, I know that as long as I can hold on to that smile, I’ll always make it through. And who knows, maybe our smile is just what that stranger on that road might need to get them through their day. So for all of you, who have this ability to smile, be grateful for it, cherish it and please share it wholeheartedly…..there is no gift more priceless!

Losing yourself

Its been a tough week…a tough month….a tough year! So many changes, so many challenges, so many sincere attempts and oh so many failures. Don’t get me wrong….i didn’t write this to crib. I’ve had my fair share or more than that of good times. I found something precious I lost a few years back….fixed something in me that was broken for a long time and I couldn’t be more grateful. But I made a commitment 5 years ago, that I had told myself I need to honor. If not for anything else, then to prove that I don’t give up…..not without a fight anyhow. But there were many times I caught myself wishing so hard that I could just fast forward by 6 months and have it over with, this deadline that has felt like a ticking timebomb in my head. “I’ve been working hard haven’t I??” I’d say….. “hard as I possibly can. Why isn’t that enough?!! Why cant the world think well of me because I tried….why should I have to succeed and look good?!!” Not that any of that was imposed on me….it was baggage I had chosen, subconsciously though it may have been and I have been carrying it around for what seems like forever. Well its almost the end…..a big battle has gone by….I survived to tell the tale….and I stand here on the other side….wishing I could get a time out. But unfortunately there is no such concept in the real world!!! And so i trudge on….with all the grace of a war hero called back from a well-deserved vacation!! As you can probably tell from the mood…….it hasn’t been a very good day. Despite the recent success….I have felt today, so acutely, the pull of strings forcing me in different directions all at once. What I want to do, what I need to do, what the people I care for want me to do and so on. Felt like my head would split with all the noise inside….like these next few months would never end. I had a break all planned out and I didn’t know if i’d be able to enjoy it as I hoped. I didn’t know if i’d be able to shut off the voices in my head. And then I got what I was looking for…..oblivion….losing myself into the darkness of a cinema hall…plunged into the lives and hearts of two of the most beautiful characters I have seen in a long time! Laughed louder than I have in a long time…. cried like my heart would break, cant remember the last time that happened….and came out with the sense of privilege for having known two such wonderful people. Sahana pointed out to me, how i had felt for that story as much as I felt for real life….and I agree wholeheartedly. Its my special quality, weird idiosyncrasy…whichever way you’d like to see it. I can bawl my eyes out in a hall filled with strangers but find in difficult to cry when life is so hard, even with some of my closest friends. And despite all my limitations and weaknesses….I hope I never lose this…this sense of losing oneself in a story…of feeling and experiencing it in a way that makes it real…..so much so that your world and everything in it ceases to exist for that time….and the journey back to reality where u feel like u have lived and learned so much in such a short time! It’s a gift and I will cherish it all my life!

The Pursuit of Happiness Part II

Yesterday night, I reached my room at around 1am…totally exhausted and too tired to even cycle the whole way to the hostel and using music to keep myself up and about. But just as I reached my room, one of my favourite dance numbers came on, and I ended up dancing to not one but 4 songs back to back. BY the end of it all, lots of my joints were aching, I knew I would definitely have a tough time getting any work done the next day….and yet I was completely and totally blissful. For those twenty minutes I was a perfect version of myself, I didn’t have a single negative thought in mind (getting thoughts out of my head is almost an impossible task…..like getting Geet from Jab we met to stop talking!!!).  It was just me and the music and in that moment it was perfect!!

I have tried for a long time now to infuse this kind of enthusiasm for dance in the people around me. Trying desperately to get them to see the kind of joy they were missing out on by not giving themselves to dance. Then yesterday I realized, that I couldn’t possibly hope to succeed because this point of view is not something that is logic bound, it is just something that is inherent in me and so it works for me. And in the meantime, there are probably many equivalent things out there which others may like but I just don’t get!!

So here’s my proposition. I would like to know, what is it that makes you happy. I’m not asking what yo or others might think you are good at, I don’t care if you are pathetic at that activity, all I am concerned about is how happy it makes you feel. It could be anything ranging from reading, writing, running, staring out into space, sleeping or even doing nothing!! If it connects with something deep inside you, makes you feel alive, makes you feel happy, then I would like to know! You might wonder what I might gain from this. Even though I am just asking you to talk about an activity, in essence I am asking you to tell me about something that is very close to your heart. And through this, I’d like to gain some insight….find a new perspective at looking at the things around me, maybe even come to love it like you do. But most importantly it’ll allow me to get to know you a little bit better. This blog has been that for me, a process in learning things that matter to me the most, maybe putting it into words might help do the same for you!

So here’s what you do, either comment on this blog post or email to me (reply to all is also an option if you so wish) telling me up to 3 things that love doing the most and what makes you love it so much. And secondly I would like to know what long term goal (if any) you might have related to them…. might be learning something new about them, taking a course or even teaching it, or just making sure you continue to keep in touch with it as the years pass by. I know I am asking a significant amount of your time (hence the weekend mail!!) and there is no compulsion to reply to it either. But if you do decide to reply. You will have atleast one very interested reader guaranteed!! :)

Yeh Jawaani....

Yesterday, I watched Yeh Jawaani hai Deewani….for the N^th time! :P I’ve spoken to a lot of people regarding what they felt about the movie and have received reviews ranging from horrible, same old story to one-time watch. The only person I know who feels the way I do about the movie is Sahana (God bless her for that!!). We’d both decided that we’d stop trying to debate with people about the movie. Nothing we could say would change their opinion of it….if they didn’t feel it from within then there was nothing we could do to make them see things otherwise! Though that still holds true…after watching the movie again yesterday I couldn’t resist just making one last  attempt at telling people why the movie is special to me.

From the time that we are born, the world is eager to figure us out and categorize/label us. Good girl, bad boy, naughty, obedient, topper, back-bencher, rebel, tomboy, idiot, good-for-nothing….the list is pretty endless and I’m sure all of us have had one or the other label applied to us. Most of the time, people don’t think twice about such labels. But sometimes, as kids, these labels become our identity. People tend to expect certain things from us and we in turn get used to meeting those expectations. The label becoming, not only a self-fulfilling prophecy but also, a self-limiting one. Those boundaries that people lay down for us can sometimes be too difficult to cross and we remain enclosed in this shell of others’ perception of us.  Naina’s story is not too different from my own….someone seen to be this studious girl who was happiest with her books, but who was actually in part hiding behind them. A girl aching to go out there, be brave and  do adventurous fun stuff…but no one, not even her parents, expect her to be interested in any of that and so no one ever asks. That mixture of loneliness and regret….the feeling of life slowing slipping by without you ever having truly lived a moment of it….I can imagine how she must’ve felt, why she’d wanna run away from her life, if only for a few days.

And then comes along Bunny. Most people think its pretty clichéd, Naina’s transformation to this cool chick as soon as she meets a cute guy, but things go much deeper than that. Its very difficult to explain what it means to find someone who sees you for all you can be, when you can’t see it yourself. Who likes and accepts you just as you are, giving you that confidence and freedom to truly open up! And Naina did the same thing for him… saw beyond his antics and humor, to the passion and drive that was at his core. Its no wonder then that they forged a bond that lasted through the years. For once, I felt the treatment of the story was far from clichéd. The maturity that characters like Naina and Aditi show are something you rarely get to see. No wonder then, that with such loving and caring people around him, that Bunny makes the big leap….quitting his dream job, not for a girl, but for himself. Because he finally had the courage to face the fact that circumstances had changed him, changed his dreams, his priorities.

This movie has brought me a whole lot of joy, whether its the songs, ranbir’s awesome dancing, the humorous dialogue or some of those lovely moments between the 4 key characters. To me, it feels real and close to  my heart. Ayan Mukherji has done a fantastic job of bringing back memories of friendship and love. A different story….probably not, but certainly well made. A story not just about deewani jawaani, but of growing up. It’ll be my “Happy Movie” for a while to come! :)