A dream worth fighting for

I'm the kind of person, who loves to think and analyse. Now before you reach the conclusion that these are valuable scientific skills that would explain my getting into PhD, let me clarify. These are skills i very rarely(and generally unsuccessfully :( ) apply to my work. However, i apply them with great enthusiasm to me and my life...in other words, introspection. Now most people think of that as a activity which could bear rich fruits and lead to real self-improvement. but in my case, all it seems to lead to is worry, confusion and an additional crease line on my brow. I had read somewhere that its highly difficult to be objective about your own life and choices, and thats probably the reason for my recurring failure at introspection. But recently i have begun to realise that a great part of the fault might lie in the motivation behind my life choices.

As i have mentioned before, i have always had a bit of difficulty figuring out what i want, be it the small things like which restaurant do you wanna eat at or what career path do you wanna follow!! I suck at making decisions! Every time i consider a certain choice, i'd think not about what i want but what kind of reaction it would evoke. Always found it far simpler to hand over the decision making to someone else and go along with what they want. Assertion could lead to disagreement, and that must be avoided at all costs!!! Its just so much simpler to agree than to fight for what you want right??!!! Well......WRONG!!! But i'm, just beginning to realise that :(

I read in a book (Fountainhead by AYN RAND....it was creepy but i identified a bit too much with Peter Keating!!) that one of the hardest things in life is knowing what you want and pursuing it! The reason i feel dissatisfied when i think about my choices, is that i feel i made them for the wrong reasons....not because i felt passionately about them but maybe coz the other choices were less convenient, or risky or just plain impractical (practicality, now thats one more thing someone needs to explain to me!!). Why didn't i ever give dancing more of a chance?? Why didn't i take a year's break and get into MBBS (i think it was a combination of ER and House, but i really thought i was meant for it!) And why exactly am i doing PhD????!!

Thinking that i will or will not be good at something, is not and should never be a valid reason for not trying!!!!!!! If you let fear rule your decisions, then of course you'll end up having regrets!!! I don't know whether this would work in the real world, but i just wish i had the clarity to know what i want and the courage to go after it. Maybe i'll end up with a life that'll not measure up to any conventional standards of success, but maybe...just maybe i'll be truly happy. Not necessarily because i succeeded but because i tried. A life without fear...now thats a dream worth fighting for isn't it??