Flipped

Someone wise said that if you want to understand someone try putting yourself in their shoes. It’s a very good way to gain insight into any person. But what I’ve come to realize is that it doesn’t always work. Though right in principle, its almost impossible to predict how you would’ve reacted in that particular situation or how you would’ve felt. Try as I might, I can at best sympathize, but not really empathize with anyone!!!

Ironically life seems to be taking care of that problem!!! Past few years, I’ve begun to realize that my life sometimes tends to resemble a coin….and I’ve actually experienced both sides of a situation at different points in time. Situations where I may have hurt someone have come right back to me….and I’ve found myself the recipient of similar treatment. Don’t get me wrong, though it may sound similar I’m not talking about Karma or anything…I don’t nearly have enough knowledge to talk about stuff like that!!! Lets see if I can make this simpler. Has it ever happened to you, that you behaved a certain way with someone and they pointed out to you how you are being unfair or biased or whatever, but to you your behavior was completely justified. Now fast forward a few months, and something similar has now happened to you!!! Suddenly you find yourself saying the same things that had earlier been said to you….the other person’s point suddenly becomes a lot clearer and easier to understand!!!

Well this sort of thing has been happening quite frequently with me of late or maybe I am just more aware of it now! Makes it damn difficult to fight and blame people sometimes…cause I know I might have done the same in their place!!! I guess its all about perspective….its made me realize, I shouldn’t be too quick to pass judgement on anyone. Makes me wonder if there is really any absolute right or wrong  or rather is there any use of any such definitions. In the end, I guess we all just do the best we can in any given situation…..and live with the consequences!!

PS: I understand that this is one of the most confusing posts I’ve ever written. Please forgive me. But it’s the best I could do. If I ever manage to make more sense of these things, I’ll surely share!!! There is a song that really suits this situation…..listen carefully to the lyrics and you’ll get part of what I’m trying to say! 

Gnarls Barkeley : Crazy

Just do the math

Love and marriage has always been a topic of great interest for me. Maybe its just a result of being a girl (there was actually an article describing how hormones can affect our emotional make up and ability to love, making boys and girls inherently different in this area….fascinating stuff!!!) but nonetheless, its one of the few things that has never lost its mystery no matter how long or hard I mull over it. 

Recently, these thoughts have come into greater focus with many of my friends and colleagues deciding to get hitched! Its one of those things that happen at a certain age….a whole lot of girls/boys getting engaged as soon as they begin their 25^th year and married as soon as they turn 26 or 27!!! I never believed it when people said that as you grow older, you automatically feel like getting married…it no longer feels like such a big deal and all that. But seriously, when everyone around you is jumping on that marriage bandwagon, its pretty difficult to not think about it….its almost like peer pressure!!!hehe. Be that as it may, the question of how to figure out who is the right person for you still looms large for me!! I’ve always thought of myself as an eternal romantic. I may not be very filmy in my beliefs, but for a very long time I believed that love overcomes all else, that if you really love someone all other practical considerations are relatively insignificant in comparison. I’ve never been a big fan of logic and practicality in any case. With an alive and kicking conscience, going by “if it feels right, it must be right” has served me pretty well till date.  But experience, my own as well as others, has made me realize things hardly ever pan out that way. Apparently love alone isn’t quite enough to guarantee a successful relationship.  It feels very unlike me to think along those lines, but even if I don’t, everyone else out there seems to be using some kind of check list to evaluate the feasibility of any relationship. I completely agree that one has to evaluate the long term future of any relationship before getting into it, it would seem like such a waste of emotion and effort otherwise!! But how logical one gets in this process is what bothers me. 

Maybe there is some kind of magic formula out there which will tell me which person is ideally suited for me. But the truth is, no matter how ideal a person or how perfect their characteristics, there is no way to predict whether or not you will actually fall for them!!  And if you don’t fall for them, the relationship will probably always seem to be missing something, possibly a passion that only comes with love!!! So apparently, neither one is enough….we need an ideal combination of practicality and emotion to see a relationship through for life!!! Now what are the odds of finding someone like that??!!!! Sometimes I wish there was some kind of program or formula that could just give me the right answer…life would become so much simpler!! But I guess….simple is just too boring for some of us, right?! ;)

Sunrise to Sunset

I’ve been a movie buff for as long as I can remember. They’ve been an ever-lasting source of pleasure for me….a chance to live a thousand different lives, experience a thousand different emotions and learning something about myself at the end of every such journey. Of course, not all movies lead to these moments of self-realization…..but whether its slapstick comedy or drama or a mushy romance, there’s always something you can get from a movie, even if its just a smile on your face.

There are a lot of things that go into making a movie interesting….right from the story, the actors to even the locales and the songs/background score. But very very rarely you come across movies that are very minimalistic in the tools that they use and yet manage to completely captivate you. I saw 2 such movies yesterday Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004). Set in France, the movie is entirely based on 2 people who spend a few hours together in a strange city….just talking and getting to know each other. I know, I know….you guys are probably thinking that this has been done before…whats the big deal etc etc. But its  theactors and the dialogues that really breathe life into this movie.  Right from the awkward beginnings of a conversation with a stranger to the freedom of expressing yourself without fear because you aren’t ever going to see that person again….the director manages to capture the mood beautifully. The dialogues are amazing…..there are so many places you can truly identify with what they say…its real and that’s what makes it special. The sheer magic of truly connecting with another person is captured beautifully….its not the place or the ambience or the music, it’s the people that create this magic! 

After such an amazing first movie, I was most certainly skeptical of the sequel….made after a gap of 9 years!! But they managed to move me yet again. Before sunset gives you an exquisite feel of the character’s growth in the intervening 9 years. While remaining true to their nature, you can fully appreciate how life’s different circumstances have affected them. Their experiences resound with you, making an impact that lasts even after the movie is over. The dialogues flow like a river….sometimes making you wonder if the actors are in fact telling their own story. And its not just the words. There is a scene where the camera just follows them for a minute….no dialogues whatsoever. And yet their eyes and expressions betray the turmoil of thoughts in their mind. Really mind blowing!!!

I know now, that I have praised this movie way too much….and the high expectations created will probably prevent anyone from enjoying the movie like I did….coz for me it was a surprise package. But I’d still say….please do see it!!! Its worth every minute…..

 

Sorry to myself

We lead our lives constantly surrounded by a huge crowd. It’s a heterogenous mix of strangers, acquaintances, colleagues, superiors and the best subset…close friends and family. Different people have different ways of dealing with this crowd….some revel in it, some are indifferent to it, some are scared by it and some lose themselves in it…but no one can ever escape it. There is hardly ever a moment when you are truly alone….and most of the time, we take for granted that someone or the other is observing us. It’s a subtle thing, not something we realize on a day to day basis, but somewhere sub-consciously we always take this into account when we make our decisions. Whether it is what we wear, how we laugh or what we talk about, the reaction that these actions would evoke from this ever-present crowd is always taken into account..…and human as we all are, we would always want that reaction to be good. But what if reaction starts dictating your action….you start doing things that others would approve of, that would be appreciated by most if not all. And I don’t just mean this for people who are in the limelight….like movie stars whose every move is under scrutiny. It happens to us every day….noticing people who wear odd, sometimes rumpled clothes…a weird hairstyle….someone mouthing the words to the song they’re listening to on their mp3 player to someone who happens to laugh so loudly that the whole room would hear them. We pass out this silent judgement just as often as we receive it…..and its natural for everyone to try and make it favourable, its almost an act of self-defense. But somewhere along this path of trying to please others, we end up letting ourselves go.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if my likes and dislikes are really my own. How often do I do something coz I want to, irrespective of whether or not I have company?? How often have I given something up because it was an impractical or risky thing to do? As much as this is a fear of the unknown, for me, it is a fear of being alone.A fear of losing this approval and with it the people who I have so come to depend on. For sure, there would be some of them who would be there for me  no matter what….but would you really have the guts to put them to the test? And it wouldn’t be easy to deal with the opinions and judgements of the people you lose in the process either. This fear, this play-it safe attitude makes you lose more than you gain. People come and go in your life, each time leaving you to readjust and maybe even redefine yourself to someone new.

Scary though it might be, taking on a search for your true self is the best thing any of us could ever do. Its something I’m still building up the courage to do. Hopefully one day, I’ll be able to define myself in words of my own, not those borrowed from others’ opinion of me. And for all the times I gave up a part of me for the sake of others….I am sorry to myself.

Excuses

A beautiful song by Alanis Morisette.....I think I've used all of these lines at some point in time in my life. Hopefully someday I'll learn to go beyond them.

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They'll not understand me
I am lonely
They'll hate me
And there is not enough time
It's too hard to help me
And god wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stoic
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home
It takes far too much energy
And I cannot afford to
No one will ever see me

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me stoic
They've kept me locked inside my cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me small
They've kept me blocked
They've kept me safe inside my shell

Bringing this into the light
Shakes their foundation
And it clears my side
Now my imagination
Is the only thing that limits
The bar that is raised to the heights

No one can have it all see
I have to they want me to
And I can't let them down
I'll never be happy

These excuses how they served me so well
They've kept me safe
They've kept me small
They've kept me locked inside my cell

These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me small
They've kept me stoic
They've kept me locked inside my cell

Alanis Morissette- Excuses

Music within

I grew up in the era of pop music and boy bands....music videos with style and dance, and sometimes, if you were lucky, a great concept to boot. We had desi bands, IndiPop as it was fondly called....and then there were the English songs that were all the rage!!!! Being a teenage girl, it was almost impossible to not fall for the charm and charisma of bands like Backstreet Boys and Boyzone....4 cute guys singing out their love, now how can any girl resist!!! Considering that I have always been a sucker for emotion, the songs and their sensitivity appealed to me all the more!

Even after I got out of my teens (man it feels like eons ago that I was a teenager!!!!), my fondness for these songs remained. Of course there were a lot of meaningful additions to the kind of music I heard.....I became (and still am) a huge fan of Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Elvis Presley to name a few. During my masters, I was initiated into rock by some of my friends, listening to songs from bands like Pink Floyd, Mettalica, Linkin Park and so on. Even though I haven’t got converted into a rock fan, I pride myself on the fact that I could broaden my horizons just a bit. My music tastes seemed to cover a bit of all genres (even though classical still remains untouched) and that was good enough.

However, my friends wouldn’t let me get away that easy!! I can’t count the number of debates and fights I’ve had over the years over the fact I continued to listen to pop music!!! It wasn’t just the boy bands, that I could’ve understood, but even the likes of Bryan and Celine weren’t spared and for the life of me I could never understand why!!! The argument was straight and simple, pop music exists simply to please the masses, especially girls! Serious musicians play because it is their passion, not for anyone else, and they sing about stuff that matters to them, rather than sing the words written by a random lyricist. But it’s just not possible for everyone to be a lyricist and a music composer and a singer, now that’s just unrealistic!! And I still stand by my argument, that many rock bands don’t even have songs with meaningful lyrics!!! So all said and done, my choice in music was my choice....and hence not open to debate!!!!

But recently, things have changed a bit. It happened while listening to the soundtrack  of a movie called Once (a beautiful movie I’d recommend to everyone) and just took off from there. I simply love the way each video on youtube links to so many others. You can go on this great journey of discovery and get to listen to songs you would’ve never known about otherwise!! Along this journey, I got to listen to songs by Adele and Alanis Morisette among others and I began to see the difference. All of their songs had a quality to them....raw emotion that seemed to connect to me in a very real way. You can listen and know, they’re singing about things that are close to their heart....expressing themselves in the way they know best...through music!!! Their music evolves with them, as they go through different experiences and you get to share that journey with them. As long as they are true to their music, success is theirs to have!!! I’m not saying that I hereby denounce other forms of music. Our good old Bollywood music (old and new alike) will stay with me right till the end, as will all the other stuff I listen to. But I can see now, the passion that can go behind composing a song and I have a greater appreciation for it! So I guess I just wanna say...”Thank you for the music....for giving it to me”!!!!

Whats in a name??

Marriage always has and always will be a hot topic of discussion and debate. And considering that most of my friends are of, so to speak, “marriageable age”, its not surprising that its a topic that comes up pretty frequently! When i think about it, i realise that through the years my ideas of marriage have changed quite a lot, as i have got more wordly-wise (hopefully!!).

There is something about marriage that always brings this queasy feeling....its this weird mixture of anticipation, excitement with a pretty generous dose of fear and apprehension!!! I mean come on....”together for life” seems like such a huge thing to say!! Sometimes i feel i’m just not grown up or reliable enough to make a call like that...but hey thats a different issue altogether!! As a girl there are many things that you have to be prepared to change when u decide to take the big leap. Having a husband is just one of the things....you take on a new family, a whole new set of quirky relatives, a new home and a new surname!! You become Mrs. XYZ and suddenly you feel so very different!!!

I used to be pretty okay with the entire concept of a name change! I’ve had pretty feminist discussions with many of my friends on various issues from...why does the girl always have to leave her home, her family...why does she always have to be the one who does all the housework, make all the adjustments and compromises....and so on and so forth. These discussions have made me realise that try as i may, i will never be much more than a weak feminist!!!hehe. Hell if you know me enough you’d probably have realised thats more of less true of many of the issues in life....i tend to partly like some points of both sides, therefore not supporting anything completely. I’m damn easy to beat in debates if you are smart enough to catch the paradoxes and lacunae in my arguments!!!hehe

Be that as it may, there was something exciting about taking on a new name. Somehow it  drove across the “you are someone’s wife” feeling pretty effectively. But recently i’ve begun to realise how much your name can actually mean to you. Well most people would say that Namrata is a quality that is absolutely wrong to describe me!!! But i kind of like my name, whether it suits me or not! When i first came to Bangalore, (it was my first time away from home) it wasn’t ever homesick. Everyone used to call me Namrata/Iyer/NRI (god i hate being called NRI) and things were fine. Then one day, out of the blue, my friend Shiv called me Namu, and i swear it almost brought tears to my eyes! Its what i’m always called at home, and being called Namu always brings me a step closer to people, makes me feel comfortable as if i’m with family!!(God, I’ll always love Shiv for this!!!)  But i guess thats the power of a name that you’ve lived with your whole life!

Without realising it, your name is connected to your definition of you! And its not just about the first name, it extends to your surname too! Right from your place of origin, your character traits to your nature to being a well rehearsed topic of conversation...your name is part of so many things that are a part of you! Not to mention being an indelible connection to your family both past and present! Is it really necessary then, for a girl to give this up when she gets married? Its true that she is becoming a part of a new family. But in today’s day and age, that doesn’t come at the cost of letting go of your old family! With travel and communication becoming so efficient, you can be a part of your family no matter how many oceans separate you! So its about taking on a new family for her and the exact same thing applies to the guy too (it does and it should)! Then why should the change be one sided only. Is it really necessary to change your surname to tell the world that you two are husband and wife? Is this giving up of a surname in part responsible for the desire to have a son so that (as they soooo love to say in movies) the family name lives on?!!

I can see the practical arguments against this...... if the husband and wife have different names then what surname would you give the kids....how would you define your family then..and so on!! Truth be told i don’t have any brilliant answers to any of these questions! And i’m not necessarily saying that i wouldn’t change my surname post marriage either. I briefly toyed with the idea of just adding on the 2^nd surname..... Mrs. Namrata Iyer-XYZ (shit, even with the XYZ it feels like a heavy thing to write!!!). But after living with a super long middle name like Ramchandran, 2 surnames just feels like too much of a burden to carry for life!!!I guess all i’m saying is, I’d feel sad giving up my surname....even if its a relatively small thing, it would be yet another link to my past i’d be leaving behind at the start of this journey called marriage!!